Two Strangers

Friday evening, I headed to Breckenridge with some dear friends to get a way for the night. Eat yummy food, play games, and spend time together. That evening we climbed in an SUV to head in town for dinner. The snow covered the slopes and the town was beautiful. It was still lit up with Christmas lights. It looked magical.

Mountain towns seem to hold secrets that only they know. They have such a mystery that I have fallen in love with after living in Colorado for so many years.....

Upon walking in to the restaurant I removed my beanie hat. So much better I thought. My head is very sensitive and is often irritated by the touch of fabric. So not wearing anything often feels best. My nearly bald head just covered in baby hairs was exposed for others to see. The onlookers glanced, a few smiled.... I carried on. Over laughter and conversation we had dinner. For that moment I tried to forget. Be there in the moment.

I can do this I thought. Be present and not think of the reality that is ahead.

As I have often spoken of, that is what I fight for. To be present in what is today. Not to worry about what the coming days bring. But yet my little gentle heart forgets sometimes... and I am reminded. I drift to a far off place that only I know how to get to. A place that reminds me of what this journey has been. Of what lies ahead. If I really get carried away I remind myself of my fears. I let my fears overshadow the present..... A wonderfully powerful thing the mind is.

I am learning to embrace these little mind drifts I have, but am having a hard time letting them be OK.

While amongst friends I drifted to that distant place and someone asked, "Are you OK? What is going on."

I nodded. Then said, "Everything was fine."

I lied.

The truth I just couldn't bare to share. But the fact of the matter is, these people have been with me. They know. They understand. They have showed up, loved on me and don't expect me to "be fine". For that I am so grateful. To be given the space to not have everything together. A safe place to share my emotions and my heart in this journey, have been some of the greatest blessings I have been given. (so many of you have given me that).

Sometimes everything really is just fine, but other times it is not. That is just the way it goes.

A friend (I am calling her that now) someone whom I have mutual connections with from Louisville was was just diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. She has a family. A husband. A new baby. Today she went in for her first round of chemotherapy. We have messaged back and forth a few times, because I simply just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. That I wish I could go with her and hold her hand during chemo. Because although are diagnosis are different. I kind of know. I know what it is like to yearn to see God working in the midst of heartbreak. Or what is like to have fear that is so real it feels like it will suffocate you. Or to be bombarded by individuals who tell you everything will be fine. That God is with you. Because while that someday may come when we both may very well be fine, our present reality is hard. It hurts, and loving God in this, is hard, but oh so worth it. And oh so good.

It is a very strange  to be connected by this cancer "club" that I never wanted to be in. That someone I do not know ,but a sister in Christ, I can ache with her. That we can say things and just know.

Another friend of mine from Colorado, flew home Sunday to be with his sister in Michigan. His sister paralyzed from radiation done to remove cancer found in her spine, has now discovered that the cancer has moved to her brain. She has a family. She has a husband who is also battling cancer. They have two young kids.

My thoughts today are for these two women and their families.

All three of us have very different diagnosis. Three different treatment plans and outcomes....

But my prognosis is good. Really good. I am cancer free now (as far as the doctors know). My chemo is insurance. Insurance for it to not return. For these two women their chemo and radiation is their chance at life. I am not angry, but it does make me wonder why. My heart hurts for them.

I think it is a bit easier to choose joy when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When you get answers. When doctors tell you that it will be over soon. That is what I get to hear. That is what my doctors tell me. It will be over soon. I will get life beyond this......

So when my moments come, and I drift away to that place that only I know how to get to, I pray I can find myself back in the midst of the hope that I have. That I will get to live beyond this. If anything not just for me, but for so many that may never get to know life past cancer.

I pray that I can find God's goodness in the hard, in this. And while our three stories are being written with cancer weaved into it.... I can believe that God is still really good.

If you could take some of your time praying for me and pray for Jenna and Shelby I would be so grateful. Both of these women that I have become connected to, are in desperate need of your prayers....

I am working until Wednesday this week and my mom flies in that evening to be with me. Tomorrow I go to acupuncture and I have already boosted my water intake in preparation for chemo dehydration.

Hope this finds you well. My weekend even with my mind drifts, was still really special. I even went on a dark night run at the park on Saturday... it was wonderful. I also got to see my best friend from college Sam and her family. 

Monday came a bit too soon. Will write soon.... 

Grace Beyond this Moment

I want to write to thank all of you who reached out the past twenty four hours.  Each message I read and appreciate. So thank you. Yesterday morning was a hard morning. One filled with tears, falling on my knees and longing for an understanding.... the anxiousness in my heart of what is to meet me in a weeks time hit me like a freight train yesterday and I wept.

Just as those moments come, those moments indeed pass. And they do pass....

I listen to this song a lot and the lyrics in one line are the reason.....

"Give me grace to see, beyond this moment here. To believe that there is nothing left to fear. That you alone are high above it all. For you my God, are greater still."

These words are the very outcry of my heart so many times when I find myself like I was yesterday. Yearning to trust that there is something beyond all of this.

I do believe that yesterday will happen again. Where I will be met with sorrow and grief that brings to me my knees, and that it is OK. Each time it happens I meet it with a new respect and new embrace. Knowing that I am allowed to grieve. That it is OK to cry. To be sad. That just as I am strong, I must grieve and process all that is taking place...

While I would never wish breast cancer on anyone, so often I find it hard to explain, or merely impossible to capture what it is like to process this on a daily basis. What it is like to look in the mirror and barely recognize who you are. Just today I was on the phone with a woman who was diagnosed almost 25 years ago. Her organization, The Wedding Pink, provides an all expenses paid wedding for a couple impacted by breast cancer. As a professional photographer, she offers portrait photography for survivors.  She has offered to take portraits for me before I start chemotherapy. So that I may remember my hair and just have these for years to come. In just my short discussion with her I found myself connected. As a survivor. We are survivors. I am grateful for that.

Early this morning, I headed out to find my spot on a stationary bike at the gym. I rode while listening to a sermon by Francis Chan. I was looking to fill my head with promises of Gods goodness when the lies in my head often speak louder. I still find church an emotional place to go so a podcast suits me just fine right now.

The rest of my week is busy preparing my last few things before starting chemotherapy. I am meeting the acupuncturist tonight. Through Cleaning for a Reason, Green Cleaners, a local cleaning company is donating their time and energy to clean my house as a gift during my treatment. They are stopping by on Thursday morning. Friday, I meet with my counselor and that evening we have our company holiday party. Saturday, I have long overdue date for a pedicure with a friend and am meeting with a personal trainer to work on exercises to keep me strong during chemotherapy. My mom flies on Sunday night and will be staying for a week. Broncos of course play at 2:40 pm too :)

Whew.... busy week of things but all good things.

I am so grateful for the time my mom is able to spend, here with me. My portraits are being done Monday morning so I look forward to having some with her in them too.

Again, thank you for your kind words, your continued support. This is a long road, so to continue be the recipient of your words, prayers and kindness is so appreciated.

I am off. Have a good week.

Sunset last evening...

When you realize you have Patagonia on, everywhere...

Believing that a bad story is still a really good one

From my desk at work I sit nearby four other women. I often listen as they discuss their lives, their new homes, their dog that ate something it shouldn't have, their distant family and the hope of having children someday. This particular day (yesterday) I found myself in silence. The music in my headphones could not be loud enough to silence the conversation, nor quiet the jealousy in my heart. 

The very things I once longed for seem so trivial to me now. My list of hopes, my list of dreams are simply compiled to a list of medical wishes. Wishes that read, I will not leave the doctor dizzy today. That insurance will cover acupuncture for when I start chemotherapy. That chemo doesn't wreak havoc on my ovaries. That I am kept away from illness while my white blood cell count drops low. That the large scars across the center of my breasts heal beautifully. That the ache in my stomach from mondays procedure, and nausea will seize. That my four eggs will be enough. That I will be enough in all of this. 

My daily routine now that I am back to work consists of many interruptions. I leave for the doctors office and come back to work (sometimes more than once). Some coworkers notice and ask how it went. As of late I am not up for sharing much. It is easier to leave my emotions at the doorstep, sit in my desk, place my earbuds in and dive into my job. 

The news I received yesterday is nothing short of disappointing. I met with the fertility doctor to understand more of what happened on Monday and why I was only able to retrieve four eggs.... My doctor, a woman who I have great respect, given the profession shes works in, sat me down and asked what she could answer for me. I began to speak with courage, trying to suppress my tears explaining my obvious disappointment. 

She looked me in the eyes and said, "I was disappointed for you too." 

A sigh of relief came over. My feelings are valid, someone felt the same way. Someone who is a professional. To hear her empathize with me was such a gift. Over the next hour we began to discuss what she learned about my ovarian health the past week. With a blood test every day for ten days, a vaginal ultrasound (9 in total) they are able to learn a lot of information about me. 

Before I started on medication I began with a diagnostic exam, to test my baseline ovarian health. One of the tests conducted was for my AMH level. AMH stands for the Anti-Mullerian Hormone. This number is one of the strongest indicators of ovarian health. This hormone is secreted by the cells that are developing follicles (eggs). So the higher the number science has attributed to better ovarian health. This number vastly decreases as women get older, so science has created benchmarks for the average AMH level based on age. 

My AMH level was 1.37. The level at which someone 27 years old is expected to have is 3.7. My ovarian health looked that of someone aged 34-35 years old. 

The next number was my resting number of follicles. I had 13. The doctor shared that while this number was not terrible, she would have liked to see more like 15-20 eggs for someone my age.

These two starting points helped explain why the outcome was as it was. She also explained that the 13 eggs really did not start responding to medicine until the end of the medicine cycle. She would have liked to see them start popping up and growing sooner. Saturday morning (two days before the procedure) I had four tracking to full maturity. The trigger shot Saturday evening, she had hoped would boost the others that were not quite mature yet, but they unfortunately did not reach appropriate size. The four that showed on Saturday, were the ones they were able to retrieve. 

The rest of the appointment we discussed what next steps look like for me. In tears I nearly pleaded with her that the hardest part of this, is that we are discussing something that seems so far away. That I struggle to believe that I get tomorrow and this process invites me to ponder my future potential family. 

As you can imagine I nor had peace or resolution leaving her office. The chemotherapy regime I am placed on, she advised has a 50-80% chance of making me sterile. With such staggering numbers, and so much uncertainty I am left with only one choice.

Trust. 

I am left to trust and believe that what  feels like a bad story is still ultimately a really good one. That I have no reason to be jealous of or envious of my coworkers because a beautiful story is being written for me, that has included all of this. That the future although it may seem distant and like a fog is certain to be something good, even if what is in front of me seems bad. 

Kara Tippets a fellow breast cancer fighter says it best:

"It takes courage, humiliating courage, to step aside from your own sovereignty and imagined control and begin looking for that gift that comes unmerited. Yes, Im talking about grace. Grace by definition is the gift that comes unearned. In a world of unbelievably able bodies, where new diets are fashioned every day to keep my brand of story away, it is hard to realize you may be living in the middle of the best story ever told. That the story of breast cancer could possibly be a good story? A great story even? It would be easier to shake my fist at the test results and scream that this isn't the right story, but to receive- humbly receive the story no one would ever want and know there is goodness in the midst of its horror.... is not something I could ever do on my own strength. I simply cannot. That receiving comes from the one who received his own suffering for a much greater purpose than my own."

May you find that even your story with all its intricacies, heartbreaks and disappointments, is too a really great story.

Love Kristina

You Are Someone Because You are Simply You

As I have previously written, I am currently in a 28 day intensive yoga teacher training tin Costa Rica. Which leads to a lot of time spent in meditation, reflection, laying hot and sweaty on a mat thinking..... mind wandering (which I seem to be very good at).

I have come to realize over the last year that so much of our identity and value is defined by the titles we have been given in our culture..... for example: I am a daughter, I am mother, I am homeowner, I am parent, I am teacher, I am a business executive, I am a yoga teacher, I am a stay at home parent, I am a professional athlete, I am married, I am single, I am a diabetic, I am divorced, I am sick, I am paraplegic, I am writer, I am a student, I am a teenager, I am a grandparent........ or recently realized how much people proclaim, I am an American, I am a Southerner, I am a Texan, I am a conservative, I am a liberal

What I found most profound is that this identification and unofficial caste system we have applied to one another is something man has done to one another. No place in the bible do we see that the scripture reads that we are worthy of value because of what we do, our marital status or  our job title.......

I have realized for the very first time that I am loved and admired simply because I am.

You and I are called worthy of respect for simply being.

You and I matter regardless of what we do today or tomorrow.

You and I are valued no matter of the choices we make today and the choices we make tomorrow.

You are worthy because you are a child of the most high King. A God that loves everyone equal.

Nothing you do or nothing you don't do, can change the truth that you have been gifted that.

He is good so therefore we as his children are good and worthy of all the respect and love.

Perhaps this is resonating with me right now because I am learning to love myself right where I am at. In the midst of the transition, the time of being title less ...... you could say I am jobless, I am single,  I am a traveler yet I have to ask myself what does any of that mean?

I want to put those to the side and just say that I am. And That, I am is good. Just where I am.

So on this Monday morning I hope that you know you are worthy of value for being present in the now, not because of something you accomplished yesterday or the plans you hope for in the future.

What a beautifully freeing thing. You are loved simply becuase you are you.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.

I have called you by name; you are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1

Value in the Parts

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts. – Bertrand Russell

Happy Thursday to you.... Kristina

Anyone have any Ruby Red Slippers for Sale?

Today is one of those days that I wish I had magic slippers like Dorothy. (may need a few pairs for my roommates and I ) Would give just about anything to tap my shoes and be out of here. So close to being finished yet not close enough to be nostalgic about it....

My voice is nearly gone from screaming at my kids, it was so bad I have a headache.... today was not their best day, nor has it been mine.

Seems as though my former reality is coming back and coming back full force... Official moving back into my old house in Denver, Flight booked for End of August Labor Day weekend to Louisville, Vail weekend with friends in August, Talks of Running the Rock N Roll Mini Marathon in October ...... so many things to anticipate and so so so so so many unknowns...

For now going to turn the page on this day and hope tomorrow is much better......

His Perfect Timing

I am very aware of the reality. The reality of heaven and earth. That this life is temporary. The whole "live life to the fullest" saying. I get it. Our society loves to use this as encouraging words to others. Words to send you on your day. Words to meditate over your morning cup of coffee. I get it. Life that is. Its short. Its not ours to have. Life may go in a moment so you must love others well and live it up.... I do.

Or so I thought I did....

It is with a very heavy heart that I am posting at this moment. Last evening I was sitting eating my dinner reading facebook updates on my phone. Skimming across the latest updates of those near and far  away while mindlessly eating..... scanning away at others pictures and the photo of a friend appeared with a caption. The caption stated "You will be missed. Rest in Peace."

Stunned and shocked I began a frantic search to disprove this photo. As my efforts only confirmed the tragic news, tears began to fall from my face....But how could it be I thought? I just talked to him last Wednesday. We just talked about how I am moving back to Denver. He asked me when? I told him July and he said I should come back sooner. We had just joked about last August when we met. But how could it be true? Its not possible, it must have been a mistake? I thought it must be a mistake and so deeply deeply I wish this were to be true......

Tears have nearly streamed my face for the entire day with the exception of the time i spent with my roommates who shared coffee and yoga for the afternoon. I am going to sleep tonight counting my stars, my blessings and grateful that tommorow is the day that my mom lands in Honduras.

Today in my class, I prayed before my kids left to go home for the day. I do not do this normallay but today I felt compelled. Compelled to give thanks, to ask for the Lords blessing over my kids and those near and dear to me. But most importantly for Justin's family. I am sad, I am heartbroken....... but I am certain my grief does not compare to that of his family. Those that have had to comprehend the loss of someone who they call their son and their brother.

He is deeply and truly missed. To his friends and the ladies in Denver, he was nicknamed "the devil." When we met out with our friends, he told me, "You just cant resist the devil".  I laughed at him but deep down I knew his personality was contagious and his joy for life attractive. He was intentional, thoughtful, funny and made you feel like the most important person in the world. While spending one afternoon laying at pool last August, Justin admitted that he never really saw himself settling down. I told him, "you just wait, someday some girl will come along and that will be it. She will knock you off your feet." In the most honest thoughtful voice, he looked and me and said, "I think I just did."

Thanks for my first motorcycle ride, camping in the backyard and for being someone who lived life with intention and thoughtfulness that was as though you always knew it could be your last.

Miss you a whole bunch

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I can choose to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thes.5:18) because I am confident He can see beyond what I can see. Furthermore, if I could see with His eyes I would make the same choice, because God is beyond good...

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Tonight I will sleep knowing that tomorrow I am going to pick my Mom up at the airport. Alison, my mom and I will then go on to visit the public orphanage in San Pedro Sula tomorrow afternoon before we drive an hour and half to my house in Pena Blanca. My mom is visiting until Sunday. I will try and update on her trip, but at the same time I want to be here with her so may recap when she leaves on Sunday.

Thoughts and prayers to you wherever you are... and whatever you are grieving because lets be honest I am certain I am not the only one.

Her Story Full Circle. Aracely

Today her story became full circle......

They were running down the hill towards our van as we came to a stop. Two little girls. One set of bare little feet. One with dirty shoes. Two big smiling faces. They waited as we slid our van door open.

She immediately embraced them in a big hug. I held back tears. I could see the similarities in their faces.... a perfect blend of all three. Those were her sisters.

With the three girls walking hand in hand, Alison and I followed behind up the short hill to their house. Her mom walked out and embraced us with a hand shake and a hug.... her mom welcomed us inside. I sat down the bags of food that I brought for them on the small table inside. Seemed like such a ridiculous gesture.

Sitting on a dirty foam mattress in the corner of a small room. I watched the chicken walk past the door to the outside. The sun was shining through the small door onto a pile of corn shucks that laid across the floor. One table, two dirty foam mattresses and a small bookshelf. That was it. What appeared to be a toilet seat dug into the ground, was just outside the back door. I assumed this must be where they went to the restroom.

I sat and watched as she showed her sisters the stickers and coloring books that she brought for them. They giggled like sisters do. But her face was different. One that seemed a bit reserved. A bit quieter. Of course she was happy to see them but her face was of an older much wiser girl. Not a seven year old girl. In some ways she looked a bit nervous. In so many ways I don't blame her.

Not wanting to leave without seeing her father we decided to walk down to visit her dad at work. Her mom locked up the house with a matchlock to the outside and we all walked down to the futbol (soccer) field where her father worked the grounds. Her sister with her hand around my waist skipped towards the field.

At first sight of her father, I knew exactly who she looked like. Her dad. (just like me). I could see it in their eyes. Made my heart melt. She gave him a big hug and I stood watching their embrace as her sister let go of me and ran to go play.

I thought to myself. 'This was her family. Her mom, her father and her two sisters."

This was their house. It was the house she would have grown up in. The house she left because she was sick. The same house that was unable to provide the nutrients for her to grow up to be strong and healthy. At two years old she left this house. She then lived in the public orphanage. She left the public orphanage to live with Alison at the Eternal Family Project Home. Where she lives now. And every week she sits at a desk in my class. She is one of my 22 second graders.

Aracely my dear, you are stubborn, charming, beautiful and healthy. Thank you for taking me to meet your family. I loved seeing you and your sisters play, giggle and take pictures on my phone.

Mom, Oldest Sister, youngest sister, Aracely and her Dad.

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Today I was privileged to meet Aracely's family in person. We drove around 1 hour and half into the mountain of Santa Barbara to visit for the morning. Her two sisters still live with her parents. Her family now receives assistance through an organization that provides support to families like Aracelys that make around $1.00 a day and are unable to provide food for their kids. Her sisters are healthy (thank goodness, unlike Ara was when she was her sisters age). Aracely currently lives at the Eternal Family Project home. This home takes in girls from all over Honduras that have similar stories as Aracely's. I told Aracely's story first here.  Just one year ago Aracelys mom regained custody of her and asked that she return to live with them in Santa Barabara. Aracely only stayed one week before her mom decided she did not want her to live there with them, so she returned to the Eternal Family Project home. It is always a difficult visit for her as she has not forgotten moving back. As Alison shared with me, Aracely knows that it could happen again should her mom decide.  But today Aracely went home with Alison and I in the van. She calls Alison Mommy. We said goodbye to her sisters as her youngest refused to get out of the van. She always wants to go home with Alison. I turned my head to keep Aracely from seeing the tears that fell from my eyes. Aracely said goodbye and see you soon.

If you would like to help Alison and her mission to provide a loving home for her girls you may visit the website here.

“I was angry because I believed, and still believe, that the God who created the universe did not create too many children in His image and not enough love to go around.”

“I wanted other Americans to know that while their children were alive today, more than 16,000 other children are not, because they died of hunger-related causes in the last twenty-four hours.  I wanted them to know that another 3,000 children in the world, mostly in Africa, will die of malaria today- which is both preventable and treatable.  God wants us to care for the poor, not just care about them, but to truly TAKE CARE of them.  God told us to love our neighbors as ourselves, but so many of our neighbors are starving to death while our tables are filled with abundance.” Kisses from Katie.

Gentle Reminders. 20 Wishes Update

My kids were back. In full force. All personality. Lots of them much browner than before. Much like their teacher. (me) (Caribbean sun is good for anyone). To say I was running in the class to see them would be a lie. On top of feeling a bit homesick, and nostalgic because of the Louisville Cardinals, I would have loved to be home but not in my house in Pena Blanca but home home.....

All of my feelings aside the sweet faces of my kids sat in their desks and still need me. For only 10 more weeks left I am their teacher and in basketball terms, the ball is in my court and it's up to me to make the best of the rest of their second grade year. When you think about it..... Do you remember your second grade teacher? probably not. Maybe you remember a few things but most of us most likely do not. Will my kids remember me? Probably not.

But it none of that matters. What matters is that right now I am their teacher. I am responsible for building a foundation in them for education, for respect and most importantly for letting them know how much they matter in this great big world, how much the father loves them and that because he loved them first, I too love them....... So here's to loving my kids as best as I possibly can for the last ten weeks.....

As well I wanted to give an update on the 20 things I wanted to accomplish this coming year, my post here... more progress has been made... here is an updated list below... (although my roommate says I have not made much progress, I think it is a slow process.... remember I have until November, no need to accomplish it all at once)

Blue means it has been finished ;)

1. Read One Thousand Gifts. (with my mom, more fun to read when you have someone to share things with).

2. Get scuba certified in Utila (Honduran Bay Islands)(Not so sure this will happen, I decided to not get certified over spring break, but opted to relax and read my book) perhaps in the future.

3. Complete the Whole30 Challenge (Again)

4. Run a half Marathon 

5. Surf in Costa Rica

6. Make cookies for my neighbors and deliver them. (especially for the businesses in the building that we live in Honduras, The Chinese restaurant  the women's clothing store, the salon and the lawyers office. But see that I will most likely live in a few different places this coming year, I will repeat this one.)

7. Visit an Orphanage at least once a month (whether I am in Honduras or anywhere)

December 1, 2012 San Pedro Sula

December 8, 2012 Pena Blanca

January 28, 2013 Pena Blanca

February 10, 2013 Pena Blanca

March  22, 2013 Pena Blanca

April 1, 2013 Pena Blanca

8. Go camping. Real camping not car camping.

9. Make homemade sushi

10. Have a dance party.

11. Pray everyday before I go to sleep.

12. Go on a weekend trip with my sister away. A city, or even in our hometown. Just she and I.

13. Ride my road bike for a100 mile ride

14. Read four Jane Austen Novels (Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Northanger Abbey, Mansfield Park)(Finished two... half way there)

15. Complete 30 days straight of yoga. 

16. Officially kick my diet coke habit (lasted about 60 days in Honduras, got to let this one go)Started now.... here we go. 

17.  Learn to make pie crust, and make five homemade pies (Apple, Pumpkin, Coconut Creme, Cherry, Pecan)

18. Drive a convertible (no stipulation on what kind of convertible)

19. Minimize my things, shrink my storage unit in Colorado, get rid of things.

20. Go Fly Fishing with my Dad.

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As well, I went to visit my buddy at the orphanage yesterday... still thinking how I can fit him in my suitcase... :) I just kept saying to Kylie, how could you have ever left them? Who could do that? Who could leave them? We both without an explanation sat in the gravel while the kids played with the rocks... Although I do not know their parents nor do I know their story, that led them to bring their children to this orphanage, I trust in a God that writes even grander stories than we could write even for ourselves.... what comfort we have in that.

This is him asking for my camera.... so he could take a picture...... that smile brings me to tears.

His sister... her eyelashes... my goodness...

Three Hour Nap. Amy.

It is a bit of strange thing to imagine someone writing your obituary. What would they say? People love to use this as a segway to challenge us to think about the legacy we leave. Pastors use this to motivate us to be good people, to make good decisions..... if I had a dollar for every time I have heard this used as a platform for a sermon.... welp....

But, what I find most compelling about an obituary is we are not the ones writing. An obituary is someones retelling of what they saw in you, who you were to others, the person you were to the world....

I came across this writing about my friend Amy Dibias Patwa who lost her battle with cancer just weeks ago..... one could only hope to have someone say such things about them when they are gone..........

Because she didn't wear a mask. She was real. She was quick to invite others into the home of her heart, even though there were dirty dishes in the sink. Amy knew she was broken and she was willing to share her pieces. 

Amy was relationally brave. Willing to risk. Willing to fight. She was irreverent. She chose truth over couth. She plunged head first into the lives of her friends, not fearing the messes she might find. She wasn't foolish enough to believe she could clean up herself, or anyone else, but she was confident in the One who could.

During Amy's funeral, her pastor, Mark Upton, shared a quote from Bill Goans. "The more serious you take the Gospel, the less serious you take yourself." That described Amy to a T.  She was so convinced she was Abba's beloved that she lived with the passion and joy of a child. One can only imagine how big she's smiling now.

thanks Amy.

as well happy Wednesday to all of you. i just woke up from a three and half hour nap. something must be wrong with me! kidding but I have to admit I take way too much pride in how badly I am at taking naps, but today I think I have stepped up my game. Longest nap ever............ here's to trying to sleep now.

Home. Dancing With The Angels

back to reality. reality being in true honduran fashion.... being left at the airport with nobody to retrieve me. yes this happened today. I waited... waited some more and watched as the airport cleared. No bus. No sight of anyone looking for a gringo like me. With two large bags in tow I went to the nearby phone  kiosk and asked to borrow the charger for my honduran phone (it was dead). I called my roommate who confirmed that our bus driver was indeed meant to fetch me but if he was not there it must meant they got the time mixed up. This is indeed what happened. Without a second thought I got in a taxi, asked him to drive me an hour and half to my house because I was not ready to get on the bus. When your ready to be home, your ready to be home.

So home I am. Home being the ever growing mold on the ceiling, the hot humid weather, the lights that dont work, brushing your teeth in the dark, but most of all the best roommates homecoming anyone would be lucky to have. I have missed them. It is good to be here. It has not changed (suppose its been only three weeks) but with all of its idiocracies it is home and for that I am grateful.

So tonight I rest my head on my pillow... with the fan on full blast, my bags still nearly full, next to faye in our room. Tomorrow I will get to see my kids and will be giving them big hugs because it feels like ages since I have seen them. I cannot wait. My mom grabbed some airheads for me to take to them and I hope they are excited about the mystery flavor ones as I was when I was their age. (The white package is a surprise flavor). It will be chaos I am sure but I am looking forward to their sweet faces.

-----------------------

As well your warmest thoughts and prayers are asked for the family and friends of Amy Dibias Patwa. I spoke of her before on this blog here and here ...

Months ago Amy wrote this:

"i have my opinion and desires for how i’d like our stories to be written. but i trust God more than i trust myself. i know He loves us and desires way more for us than I could even fathom. now there are times where i’d take the boring life with nothing impactful happening. but that’s not what He’s got in store for us." - Amy DiBias Patwa 

With tear filled eyes, I mourn the loss of a dear friend. Amy thank you for being who you were. For living life deliberately. So joyful knowing you are dancing with the angels tonight.

To watch an incredible video of her and her daughter and hear of a friends afternoon spent with Amy click here. (warning tissues are needed)

May you too sleep soundly in whatever you call home... Warmest Kristina

My heart is Overwhelmed

Hondurans are rich. Rich in the very things that matter most.

In a conversation with a friend here, he and I reminisced about this place that we now call home, about the Honduran way of life, how good things are, how life here is addicting, doing life here is so good. Our conversation led me to reflect and share about the change occurring in my own heart....

While sitting in church Sunday evening in a hot and humid, one room church filled with wooden benches, packed with hundreds of people, I watched as woman, held her baby on her right arm, held a hymnal in her left, she had a dish towel draped around her neck to wipe the sweat from her head. dressed in her very best, this woman was strong, and proud, and sang at the tops of her lungs... giving praise and thanksgiving,

I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and ask, "How could you be grateful for this? For the poverty in which you are born? How could you still give thanks when you know that their is not much to offer for your children? How could you say "God you are good" when your children grow up watching their own friends and family killed outside your front door? How is it you say "God you are the great protector " when you live in one of the most dangerous countries in the world? How do you raise your hands praising God for the rain that floods your town, for the water that may or may not be on today? How could you say "Hosanna in the Highest" when you watch as your kids are left to play in trash and run barefoot till their feet bleed because you cannot afford new shoes? How do you call him father when he has abandoned you, left you in hardship?"

In those moments as these questions flooded my head... sitting back in my seat, my heart became heavy. It is not them that I should feel sorry for, nor is it this woman who is without much. For I am the fool. She is rich in all things that matter. She is rich in things that last. Rich in the truth, that God has not and never will abandon them. He never has.  These people have obtained something I do not have. They have found that true life, is found in his promises that he has and will never forsake us.  My moment of feeling sorry for this woman, faded quickly... I find joy and thanksgiving in material things, in success, in my accomplishments. I praise God for his goodness when MY plans work out as I had foreseen.

All of these things that I seek treasure in will soon fade.

Hondurans are rich in things that matter most. They find joy in the details, celebrating and praising the very one who loves them no matter what.

I am grateful to be humbled... more aware of how selfish I am, and how far I have to go to find the truest form of joy in this life.

Feeling ever more grateful to live in a place that is far more rich with things that matter than I could ever be.

Warmest Kristina

**** Loving this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbbtmmUw490

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Lord forget all of my sins

Well let me die where I lie

The words above are the lyrics to a song on the ever more beautiful new Mumford cd. I have listened to this cd on repeat since I bought it. I am laying on my yoga mat, with papers of my kids, a grade book, green tea, and the sound of the rain slowly hitting the roof ahead. Our power just came back on. Just before I was using my headlamp. This place has captured my heart fully and completely  My kids today were precious, enthusiastic, and so innocent to the world around them bearing the image of a incredible God who sees to it that he design each one of us with such care and detail. 

All I hope for, is to follow his light. The words to a different Mumford song resonate so much with me. I do not know what this song is about but I like to think that it is about Gods love. That without him (gods love) I am lost. I am wandering lost and  my hope is that I live in his light, in the midst of his promises. Seeing the world through his eyes. His eyes see each face, each tear as his own. I so long to do that. Although I am afraid, for it requires much and asks much but I am learning more each day of how little I need, how selfish I am, and how much the world has to offer.

Is all that I'm asking for

Without her I'm lost

Oh my love don't fade away

I think I have found that with a few small things, a good cup of coffee, my bike, the company of friends, a passion for life and adventure I will be quite content. I am certain I am not going to go back to the life I had the same but even more than that I am quite certain I may not go back at all. Atleast not being in the same flesh as i am now. The world is far to big, gods love for his people far outweighs any life I could live collecting a large pay check, building a large home and living excessively. Not that those things are not nice but he has so much more, and it is all worth so much more, and I gain so much more.

Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Warmest to you from this place. May you too keep your eyes to serve and your hands to always learn

Joy in this Place

I am feeling much better and we had a great day at school. (we being me and my second graders). Unfortunately my sickness spread to my roommates and Molly stayed at home sick today. All of us chipped in to cover her classes for her. Faye and I collectively decided as well that Molly's 3rd Grade class A is the worst. She was very surprised by this, but we assured her that those lovely little third graders act as though you do not exist and carry on with whatever they are doing at their desks without paying any attention to the teacher. Selfishly we are glad that Molly is coming back to school tomorrow. (PS Molly you know that we love your kids anyway :))

My kids, my second graders were very good today. (Fingers crossed we are on the right track). I am getting the hang of things, feeling like we can get in a groove. I am learning every day of the large gaps in the level of the children and their ability to complete basic things. For example numbers, days of the week, months etc. These are all things these children should come to 2nd grade knowing and they do not. So I have taken a few steps back and want to make sure my kids have a good solid foundation to then dive more deeply into our books. Our books are US books published so they often do not best suit the children or their learning level. All of us are learning to be both creative and flexible. 

My kids as well today made their Healthy Habits books in Science. I have decided that not only do I hope to teach these kids the core subjects and make them the smartest kids in school :) (Kidding, but seriously) I want to make sure they learn important habits and establish some core values. Today we talked about nutrition and what are healthy things to eat. Living in this country you will see that the diet and lifestyle does not support health. This country being one of the poorest in the Western Hemisphere and the poorest in Central America, means that any food is a life living and the resources to practice eating well are not as readily available. If I do anything this year, I hope to love the kids well, set an example for them, teach them to respect themselves and others, and take care of the bodies they have been given. Kids can learn their numbers anytime or how to spell from anyone, but I hope they leave each day knowing they matter, that they are important and that although they test my patience I love them dearly. These children live and are raised in a world unfathomable to me......


For example in In 2011 there were 86.5 homicides for every 100,000 inhabitants, according to figures of the state Human Rights Commission, making this country one of the most violent in the Americas. 
Or even more shocking, 19.4 homicides per day, during 2011. 


I say all of this not to make you scared for me, (mom yes you can sleep tonight, my moms friends and family and all my second moms reading you can sleep soundly too). I feel safe. I feel at home here, which is strange and good all at the same time. This country suffers from some of the worst poverty, worst violence, a history of natural disasters (hurricanes causing long term damage to the economy) and AIDS. However this country has also become my home, it will be the 3rd longest place I have ever lived, 3rd behind Colorado and Kentucky. This place has beauty in the midst of the poor, the hungry, the children, the elderly.....

Faye and I were talking tonight about how for the first time at school today we feel like we are starting to enjoy it. We feel like we are getting the hang of our kids, our classrooms, where we are heading with them. Life here has also become more of a reality. We are familiar with how things work, the grocery store, buying fruit and vegetables at the stands, our house, the school.....You get used to the thunderstorms in the afternoon, the lightening that lights up your bedroom, bugs everywhere, flies in the kitchen, screaming/ crying children next door, the roosters crowing in the morning, the stray dogs, our friendly neighborhood drunks who hang outside our house, the unorganized school, fried chicken served for every meal, our hot classrooms with one small fan, our ugly yellow polos we must wear to school each day, the blistering heat, the trash everywhere in the streets, in the homes, the faces of our kids, the adorable blue uniforms.... you get used to it all.. its the beauty in this place really. This is what makes us feel so at home. 

So from my new home to yours, feeling very very full of joy to be here.. To be the one loving on these kids in the midst of a country and world that is so broken I hope you find comfort knowing that even in the midst of this place, God is still so good. So so good. We often hear the singing from the church on Sunday at our house, it is the most beautiful sound, distant and faint but so honest and yet still praising God for his goodness.. I hope you may do the same.

I think my kids deserve the world and if I cannot give it to them, I sure as hell will try to make them feel like the most special kids in the world.

With love
Kristina

Me on our way to the beach two weeks ago. Looking out the window at the sun coming up.

Let Me Interrupt We Have a New Pet in Our House

When you spend two days at home with no tv, no roommates, sometimes no electricity, in a third world country one would be wise to propose the question, What have you been doing? Great question. To be honest time goes rather quick here. I go from facebook, to reading my book, catching up on blogs, cleaning up my room, making coffee, falling asleep. By 11:00 in the morning it gets very hot making doing much of anything seem like work. We do not have air conditioning so when the sun is up and there is very little breeze, laying is bed is often the most unpleasant thing to do.

Still not yet back to my normal self but feeling much better. I made a visit to the Honduran clinic and saw a doctor to get me medicine. The clinic was a horrific scene of elderly, young children, starving, smelly as you can imagine. I was happy to get an antibiotic to help (although I have no idea what it is). My fellow coworker Veronika who is from England but has lived here for 30 years, took me and translated.

I spent Friday evening with all of the teachers at our house having dinner. I stayed at home on Friday from school.. As well I cannot say enough about my roommates for covering my classes and teaching my kids. We are short on teachers and many of us are teaching classes in multiple grades, so for my roommates to take the few periods that they have free and be with my kids is so appreciated. To be honest I think they enjoyed me being sick. ....Just like when I was a kid... A substitute was sometimes the best day of the week. It typically meant it was a movie day or we were allowed to work quietly. The substitute was typically much more relaxed than our real teacher too. I am certain my kids were well taken care of and happy for a new face up in front of the classroom.

Friday I laid in bed and rested up. I have started a 30 day cleanse. I am not sure what has upset my stomach or made me sick these first few weeks so I have decided to restart my metabolism, rethink food. This is a version of the Paleo diet. You can check it out here. http://whole9life.com (A former colleague of mine eats Paleo now, but to be honest not sure if the extremes of Paleo suit me, but I simply wanted to do 30 days of riding my body of some things and get my stomach on better track living here. I am tired of being sick. Here's to 30 days... will let yall know how it goes.

Saturday we drove to San Pedro Sula. All 7 of us in Nicks truck to buy things at the mall and big fancy grocery store (comparable to a grocery store in the US, you could buy anything. They carry the Cosco name brand as well). I was able to stock up on some things and buy frozen chicken so the trip was a success. On our way back to Pena Blanca the boys had some beers in the bed of the pickup on the way home. Something about riding in the back of a truck in Central America with a beer seems very illegal but I can assure it is not at all. (I didn't have one, even though I wish I could have)

We made it home and started organizing our kitchen with our newly bought shelves, dishes, cooking things etc. To quote Molly, "We are way more excited about this than we should be." Simple things my friends are worth celebrating here and more of our "rubbish" (Crap) being put away on shelves and a house cleaned up makes us happy. All of our excitement wore off when we lost power around 5:45 pm or so. The boys often come to our house to live stream college football so having no power, means no internet, means no college football scores and leaves us wandering in the dark. Saturday evening would have been fine with no power, we were enjoying the candlelit talk, but we had plans for the evening. We were to go to the bar/dance club in town that night with friends we had met. As if showering in the freezing cold is not enough already, try showering in the dark, dressing in the dark and putting on makeup. (By the way makeup entails the bare minimums, it is too hot and makeup does not stay on.

Side note: We also only have a few small mirrors in our house. I have found Facetime/ or Iphoto on my macbook to be the best mirror to use when getting ready.

In the dark we got ready only to learn that the bar we were going too, is on the same electric grid as we are and they did not have power either. AHHH Honduras. :) Got to love it.

Another side note: Right now my roommates are screaming and I am not going out of my room, because we have a new pet, he/ she is a mouse/rat or whatever rodent lives in Honduras. I may not finish this post because I want to go to sleep quickly so that if he/ she rat/mouse happens to run more ramped in our house I want nothing to do with him or her. Oh man I wish you could hear the noise right now. Molly is currently crying and screaming... While Kate is giving instructions "No no no this way this way!" As they all run towards the kitchen. Molly is still crying and screaming. Now a door just slammed. Call me selfish for hiding in my room but I am sure they have it under control.

We met up with our friends and made our way to the next town over to go to the dance club/bar. Imagine a scene from the movies, set in Latin America where everyone is dancing to salsa,  loud music, run down place, lots of people, hot and sweaty, the building barely seems as though it would stay in tact. Got that in your head...... This is precisely what it looked like. As well Molly and I laughed knowing that no matter where you are in the world there is always a place to buy late night greasy food after have had drinks. There was a Honduran woman serving up Baleadas outside the bar. Made us laugh.

When we walked in the place we were definitely the newbies, or I guess you could say the talk of the town. We stood out like sore thumbs. Everyone was really nice and we enjoyed dancing. Culturally everyone dances with everyone and people change dance partners frequently. We learned this quick when after 20 minutes or so at least 5 people have come up to you to ask to dance. Faye, my roommate, lived in Cuba before Honduras and was on a mission to find a man who could salsa. Her mission came up short, at least finding a man she felt danced up to her standards. I was able to have someone teach me two different dances, Salsa and Meregue. Hoping to get better... I do not think I am good at all.

Click here to hear one of the songs that everyone knew in the club, Mana, a band from Mexico popular in Central America. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcnNeGQHwDc

I am now sitting in bed, I got an update on the rat/mouse. He/She has moved into the kitchen. Yikes much worse. But Kate is trying to catch he/she.

On this note I am going to bed, after a lazy Sunday, run in the heat and still trying to feel 100 better I am getting my sleep.

Night to all of you. Sweet dreams and hopefully Rat/Mouse free.
Kristina

Some friends and family have asked if they could send me anything. If you could overnight the Lindt Dark Chocolate or Two Buck Chuck (cheap wine) (You learn to get what you can when you live here, so two buck chuck would do just fine, but of course not until my 30 day challenge it done) it would be so appreciated, however I cannot get mail. If you want to receive mail living in Honduras, and if your mail is lucky enough to make it through the postal system you have to get a PO box. This PO Box is located in a town far over and you have to arrange for a pickup of the mail. When we got news of this, without a second thought we all quickly knew that getting mail was not an option. (you can send me letters if you wish to my parents in Texas and I will get them at Christmas, kidding, but seriously you can). night yall.

It is Good. It Will Be a Long Time.

When a dear friend writes you and tells you she misses you and you realize you have not spoken in weeks and you used to know what she did for nearly 40 hours a week. It makes you remember where you are. Life is good here. I am loving it, soaking it in, but not so sure I have really taken in to account how long I will be here for. I know I went to college away, I used to be far from home but this is just a  kind of different awayness (Made this word up). My coworkers at my job before I moved here were kind enough to gift me a calender as a going away gift, on this calender each person wrote me a message on their birthday. So every month I have new notes, from different people. I love seeing what they wrote and knowing they were born that day, so I can wish them Happy Birthday. (Thank you Soley for giving me one of my most treasured heartfelt gifts I have ever been given). It is so encouraging. I so appreciate it.

Relationships are good. They are important and this is one of those things you learn when you do not have the ones that mean the most in front of you. I say all of this because I am so grateful to have people to miss. I know I am lucky because I have a calender that people thought was important to write a message on. Things like this make long days with kids seem really good and reminds me of how great god is... how much he desires us to have relationships, that matter, ones that we can run too. The once wise person who I do not know said, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." I so felt that way leaving Colorado. I watched the Broncos game on my computer sunday night and saw the sunset on the game and tried not to shed a tear. That place holds and will forever hold a special place in my heart. As for Honduras I am learning very fast that this place too will be one that will hold a special place.

Today with our kids we spent the day at a waterpark/ somewhat scary pool with slides that look like they might break, dirty pool, tents that seem to barely hold up and nearly 300 people. It was a complete chaotic mess of kids, parents, toddlers, running like mad and we the teachers pretending to play babysitter. friend. lifeguard.. everything you can imagine. Oh and language barrier to top it all off. We are all sun burnt to the crisp but are home laughing about what was not at all surprising in Honduras. Why wouldn't this be a good idea? I mean what is 150 or so kids swimming screaming all at once without any order or lifeguard be an awesome day? Let me tell you if I were 8 years old today would have been one of the greatest days ever.... all my friends, a swimming pool, waterslides, lots of candy from a pinata, fried chicken french fries, coke... awesome day. But as an adult and teacher it was not the same. Gave me a few heart attacks but the day was good.. but in more than a few moments I was a little envious. I want to scream and play with not even a second thought. Children do that so well and we adults do not do it nearly enough.

I came across a blog recently of a girl that writes so elqquently, saying things so well and she wrote the below as she was heading home to England after living in the Middle East and reflecting on her journey following Jesus . I like the way she puts this and I thought I would share:

A couple of years ago, I had gotten to the point where I realized I had been playing tug of war with God, asking Him from the church pew, “What do I do? How do I get to the place I should be? How do I do what I need to do to be OK with you?

And then He showed me it wasn’t about me at all, what I have or don’t have. It was about His glory in the nations … and how everything else should slip through my fingers like Middle Eastern sand so that I can grab hold of Him and take Him to others. It’s about me knowing Him and making Him known … to everyone I meet in the United States, to every international person living in England who’s never heard the name of Jesus, to everyone in the world.

Some days I get a little too attached to my park, to my big green hills, to my Starbucks and my tea house … not that those things are bad. I’m here, for the moment. I want to seize every moment here, enjoy Him in it, use it to show Him to others.

But if He asked for me to turn that plane around, I shouldn’t hesitate. And I shouldn’t cower in my seat hoping He won’t ask.

I should offer.

God is good... So good to me. Still living life here. From my bed, sorting pictures done by my kids of their families. (Flaming hair on mom and dad, stick people siblings... awesome pictures)

Love Kristina