Tears on Christmas

I had every intention of writing on the plane about my time at home but I forgot to charge my computer so I was left with my notebook and a borrowed pen from the flight attendant.

Handwritten and now typed below:

I ordered a water just now from the flight attendant for my packet of EmergenC. I drink one a day, along with a Kombucha to make sure I am getting vitamins, antioxidants and nutrients for healing. Now that my week at home is done, I will be moving back into strict vegan eating. Avoiding all chemically processed, artificial flavored and hormone induced food. It is amazing what you get used too.

I wish I could write and tell you that my ten days in Louisville with family and friends went without tears, and only joy, but that would not be true.

Most of my visit I spent at my parents home. I set aside some time to visit friends but quickly found myself gravitating back to be with my mom and dad. No particular reason why but I suppose it felt safe. That if my emotions caught up to me, that it was OK to breakdown at their house. I could escape to my room there and take a few breaths. My parents, while they have spent a great deal of time with me the past few months have only been around a handful of occasions when I have a complete breakdown. Part of that, is trying to stay strong for them......

I was doing quite well with this, until Christmas day.  It was as though someone told me I had cancer for the very first time.

Opening gifts in our living room I watched as my sister opened maternity clothes, things for "junior" (the new baby's already nickname) and her husband a new wardrobe. My dad unpacked the usual slew of outdoor gear, while my mom received new cooking items and a special bracelet saying "grandma".

Two particular gifts I opened from my mom and dad were two new beanie hats. Both fitting perfectly and adorable.... left me silent. I held the hats in my hand and hung my head low. Trying to disguise my anguish I said thank you and that I loved them. My mom knowing me often better than myself looked deep into my eyes and knew my words although true, were apart of a larger narrative.

Once we finished exchanging gifts, I retreated to my bedroom. Looking into the mirror at myself I watched as a pool of tears filled my eyes. My stomach ached and I began to weep. Afraid someone would walk in I made sure to shut my door. Angry for being upset, I tried to tell myself that my parents meant well. That the hats are something I need. Besides I love wearing hats.

I could not muster the courage to put them on my head.

My fear of the future, met me that Christmas morning like a tidal wave. I crawled into bed and cried. Christmas, I thought, a day of joy. A day to look back at the year, all that one has accomplished, and celebrated. It is also a day to look forward to the new year coming ahead. What will the new year bring? What new things will one strive for?

This Christmas day found me looking back overwhelmed for all that has been. Two giant scars across my chest are evidence of the cancer they found. And then I look forward and weep knowing what is ahead. The unknown, the fear, the pain that awaits with chemotherapy.

My mom knowing something was not OK, found me in my bed with my tears. She sat next to me and listened as I explained how I wish I had not been here today. That maybe if I was not here for Christmas then I would not have ruined it. My tears, my sadness ruined the day I told myself. She assured me this was not true and that the greatest gift of all was that we were all home together. She sat with me as she has so many times before, and wiped my tears.

__________________________

I landed back in Colorado this morning. Tomorrow I go back to work, and the doctor. I will be scheduling acupuncture, physical therapy and the cleaning service tomorrow morning. My stitches are being removed Tuesday. My much anticipated stack of bills at home was not here yet, so I suppose they may arrive tomorrow. Wednesday, my medical deductible restarts all over again.

I am taking one foot in front of the other as best I can but the truth is I am still fighting to seek gratitude and joy.

All of you preparing your new years resolutions. Boasting about the change you will make, the pounds you will loose, the body fat percentage you will achieve, take it from a cancer patient.... those pounds you gained over the holidays from meals shared with family and friends, I pray I have many meals and time spent with friends that perhaps cause a few pounds to be gained. Those wrinkles that so many of you are applying creams and paying to have erased, I pray by gods grace I live to see lines, evidence of laughter, of a life lived.  I pray that the meals I have in the coming weeks still taste good when my mouth is covered in toxins from chemo.

 I long for a new year that meets me with more joy, more gratefulness and more of learning about how good God is even when things seem so hard.

Do me a favor and this next year do life well. Live the next year so much so that you immerse yourself in the very things that you delight. The things that bring you joy. Seek forgiveness and never ever stop seeking joy.

My heart feels like it has been broken into a million pieces, but slowly I pick one piece up at a time, even when it is as though they are scattered about the room again. Today I find myself anxious, scared and tired, but smiling about the last week I spent in Kentucky. I do have much to look forward too. I will be an aunt to a little boy this coming May and two dear friends are getting married this summer (Chelsea and Kylie)!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and if your Christmas found you in tears, may you still find thanks and know that I am very grateful for you. I am certain God loves you very much too.

Happy New Year Everyone
Love, Kristina

*** The hats, I will post sometime, I warmed up to and like them a lot. I love them so and will be worn so much in the coming months.

Here are some pictures from my time at home. Enjoy!

Thirteen Year Tradition of decorating Gingerbread Houses.

Not our best decorations but still fun. 

Stefanie and I ran into Chelsea at breakfast one morning. 

Christmas Eve dinner at Mortons.

Brittany (Junior :)) and Mom

Brittany and I (Thank you Emily and Daniel at Louisville Athletics) at the Basketball game Saturday. Despite the loss we still had a great time.

Sister picture. Erin and Lindsey.

To not miss it - Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas Eve and right now I am up early while my parents are still sleeping....

Two nights ago my dad and I bundled up in warm clothes and went for a walk. It was pitch dark outside.  When I asked if we should bring a flashlight he said we would not need one. He explained that our eyes would adjust. My dad. Just like that, trusting the skies and the stars. It was chilly but we walked for over an hour. Walking we reflected on the past few months.  How much has changed, what is on the horizon and how grateful we are that I get this time at home before I have to start the next thing. Christmas happens to fall right in the middle of it all.....

Twelve weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In two weeks time, I will start twelve weeks of chemotherapy. Come April, should everything go along smoothly, I will complete my reconstruction surgery. So much is ahead...

As we walked we would stop and stare up to the skies. My dad would point out constellations and I would just gaze in wonder. As I looked up it was as though I was looking back in time. I remember a time when I was little, my dad drove me to a park and we laid on the hood of his car, staring up to the sky. Such a sweet memory.

As much as my perspective has changed because of cancer.... so many days I find myself longing for the way things were.

This year my immediate family will be celebrating Christmas together. My sister and her husband, celebrating a last christmas before they become parents to a little boy..... My mom and dad, celebrating as soon to be grandparents..... and me, a soon to be breast cancer survivor and aunt.

We indeed have so much to be grateful for.

I want to thank all of you who have already seen me while I am visiting home. Those of you that I have not seen in so many years. Your kind words, your prayers and simply the hugs are so appreciated. Those of you sharing my story, asking others for prayers thank you.

In a few weeks time I will experience what it is like to have everyone in on your story, even when you don't want them to be. Baldness, invites others in and I am afraid. No more hiding.  My desire for when this day comes, is that I can embrace others faces, and stares just as I am embracing the hugs from all of you wanting to wish me well. I hope that my face and my smile demonstrate hope. The hope that I have. That in the end everything is going to be ok..... That my heartbreak now, will soon mend. That I will not be defined by cancer nor will I allow it to steal my joy.

I have been meaning to share this as well. If you see me, or give me a hug, and you start to cry..... know that your tears are welcomed and even appreciated. Being the recipient of others tears is one of the most humbling gifts. To know that I am wept for. That others are hurting with me. What a gift. I am humbled that my story, that my words bring you to tears. What an honor.

Thank you for crying..... you have my permission to cry. I cry all the time and I don't think anyone should cry alone.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I did not consciously make a plan how how I would go about doing cancer. I don't remember choosing whether I would be angry or joyful..... but I do remember this. I met a friend over a beer, two weeks after my diagnosis. We talked about it all. What it meant, what would happen. This particular friend posed the question, "What do you hope for in all of this?"

I sat and pondered his question and then began to speak, "To not miss it". Puzzled he looked at me and I went on further to explain. "I dont want to miss what he is doing in all of this, with my story, with breast cancer. Things like this don't just happen and I am confident he is going to do something. Teach me things, change me, change others and I dont want to be on the other side and have missed it. So I want to be present in it. Cry, laugh, and embrace the journey of breast cancer....I don't want to miss it."

Today that wish and that hope have not changed. I am fighting for the present. The present that is today and live in what tomorrow is, when tomorrow comes. 

Merry Christmas to you and your family wherever you are..... to my many friends around the world that I have had the privilege of meeting in my travels I am sending my love and joy to you as well. Tomorrow, I plan to drink central american coffee, share gifts with my family, drink some colorado brew and set my phone away for the day. I don't want to miss Christmas either.

Love Kristina

When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy.Matthew 2:10 

***Below are some pictures from the Louisville game last night with my family.

2013 National Championship Trophy, the one my Honduran classroom cheered so well for.

My Old Kentucky Home

Written from the airplane Saturday morning, heading to Louisville:

I woke up this morning at 7:45 am. I managed to turn off my original alarm and was left with only a half hour before Rachel came to take me to the airport. I am heading home to Kentucky until next Sunday. For the first time I do not have to go to a doctor for ten days straight. I am looking forward to time at home, to rest and visit before I need to be back Colorado to start chemotherapy.

Thursday afternoon,  I went to the plastic surgeon for what was my last saline fill. As expected I slept terribly Thursday evening. The first twenty four hours after an expansion are the worst. My right side continues to be worse than my left. The nurse says it is because I am right handed so I have more muscle on this side, which is the soreness that I feel. Either way it is terrible.

While I was at the plastic surgeon I made mention of a large mole that is on top of my head. In anticipation of losing my hair I would like to wear my bald head as it is. As silly as this may sound, I did not want a large mole to be on top. My doctor said that yes, it is something he could remove for me, but that he needed to make sure we did it far enough in advance of starting chemotherapy. (something I did not think of). As well that he would place stitches in and in one week I would come back and he would take them out. (Again something I did not anticipate). Soon after my plastic surgeon called my oncologist (boss lady as he said) to make sure it was ok to do this removal so close to starting chemo. She approved. I said great! (thinking it would be the first week of January).

The nurse came back in and said the only time they could take me was the next morning at 6:30 am. After a brief hesitation, I said great. Lets do it. 

After a poor night of sleep and a 4:45 am wake up to be at the doctor yesterday morning by 6:30 am, needless to say yesterday was a long day. My company had our holiday potluck/ugly christmas sweater/ white elephant party yesterday that I was coordinator of so after my minor surgery I arrived at work by 8:30 am.

Last night I cleaned my house, packed, did laundry and watched some game of thrones before falling asleep. Fortunately I am able to take other medicine now besides tylenol (during my IVF cycle I could not take any advil, ibuprofen, or pain killers). Last night I took some medicine to relieve the pressure on my chest and to help with the ache in my stomach (ovaries swollen). 

Walking through the airport today I often watch others, wondering where they are going. What brings them to their destination and began to think about mine. I am going home. My sister we learned yesterday is carrying a baby boy. Our family does not have any boys (minus my dad) so the excitement as you can imagine is great. 

Later that evening while talking to my mom from the “gender reveal” party I began to cry. And cry a lot. I asked my mom to go, not wanting to spoil the celebration. The news while great, and the noise of celebration in the background coming through the phone one of great joy. I am not sure what happened. 

Trying to celebrate and find joy when at times the opposite reality of my life right now comes like a tidal wave. The lies found in my thoughts, overwhelm me as I find it so difficult to celebrate.

Envious. Jealous even, as terrible as that sounds. The fear that I may never get that celebration. The despair that my future seems to hold. The fear that a future is not even available for me. That milestones may never get to take place for me.

All just thoughts, but thoughts that brought me to tears.

I should be landing soon and the mom to be, my sister, is picking me. I am going to be home and fight to celebrate even when it seems so difficult to do. 

With stitches in my head, painful expanders in my chest and an aching stomach I am stepping forward, the only way I know how. Trying to be brave, trying to allow myself to grieve but most of all fighting for joy. 

Written this morning from my parents house:

Today I am meeting my English teacher for lunch and spending time with my two best friends. The weekend was spent with family visiting and relaxing at home. It has been really nice to be home.

Not much more of an update at this time. The stitches are doing ok and the soreness is improving each day. Have a wonderful Monday everyone.

Here are some pictures we took from Saturday night....

My Christmas List

Tonight, I am sitting in my bed while I am drinking what seems like my tenth glass of water, the last one I had was filled with EmergenC.  My roommate has been coughing and sniffley so I want to be certain I do not get sick.  I just gave myself my evening shot and tomorrow morning I will arrive first thing at the fertility doctor blood work and an ultrasound. Following the doctors office, I am going in to work for the first time since my leave of absence.

I cry thinking about it ...

I am unsure why I cry really.... perhaps it the reason I had to leave that brings me to tears or the unknown in going back. This fight for a new normal, while my future ahead still seems so unsure. I have tried to remain strong but this road is long and the past few days I have had make this road seem longer....

To try and create some intentions or prayers for the coming months, I thought how different my Christmas list would look this year. I decided to put it into words....

My Christmas List This Year:

1. To trust Jesus, to lean into him, believe that he is is good and he is working in this, in all of it. Trust that I am not alone. I love this song, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus".
2. To relish in the moments before me and laugh a whole bunch.
3. To believe that I have a future before me. A carefully planned future that can and will include so many things my heart desires. That this is not the end. 
4. To not be afraid. Every time the doctor does a scan, draws blood or examines me I am afraid that something will be wrong. Every time I go to stick myself with the shot I have to take a deep breath. I am afraid of loosing my hair and looking sick. I am afraid of being abandoned and forgotten in this long journey.
5. To not be jealous of others.... celebrating new homes, new marriages, new babies, first Christmas decorations or children's plays. I look in wonder.... will I get that someday? Does that exist beyond this cancer for me? I drove past the park this weekend and I saw a girl running, listening to music without a care in the world. I used to be that girl I thought to myself. I find myself envious of her carelessness ... envious of what I perceive to be her normalcy.
6. To embrace my tears. My tears are not going away, nor are they getting any easier. Perhaps I can just let them flow, and learn that it is ok.
7. To love myself. I have spent so much time already apologizing for how I am handling this, and blaming myself for things. If I could learn to love myself in this that would be such a gift.
8. That my heart would be secure, I am sensitive and am easily wounded. Even the slightest seems to pierce my heart at this time.
9. Rest. I am tired both physically, mentally and emotionally. If I could find time to rest, be in peace.
10. Find joy. That joy would come out of the most unlikely of places and I would find it there.

**** That is all I hope for right now, but I am sure there is so much more....



To continue with an update, I have successfully given myself shots for three days now (7 days to go)! As for the rest of this process I am not doing so well. I am struggling emotionally and physically. The nurse asked if I was excited to start the process and I politely said "No mam, it's just I had hoped I would not have to have chemotherapy. So no, I am sorry mam but I am not excited."

In addition I am still working through bills..... I owe a large amount tomorrow as well as I am trying to plan for my deductible balance to start back at zero on January 1. I understand why so many people talk about having cancer and trying to do everyday life at the same time..... there are so many things to keep record of it is overwhelming and exhausting. (Thank you to all of you who have generously donated to help aid me with my medical bills, I am so grateful, really speechless. Please know how thankful I am).

I hope to get a better idea of my progress (when they expect to extract the eggs) tomorrow. Expected date is next Tuesday. As mentioned above, I will be going back to work tomorrow, as best I can with my many doctors visits.

After my work day tomorrow around 5:00 pm I have physical therapy. I am sure at this point I will be ready to be in bed. Tuesday, I visit my plastic surgeon for a "fill up" in the afternoon. The rest of the week is contingent on the progress with fertility preservation, which appears to be monitored daily (daily visits for blood work).

That is all for now, sorry for my lack of writing and updates, I am afraid I do not have much energy for it....

Warmest Kristina

Peace to Those

I am sitting now on the couch next to my parents puppy, watching the today show, drinking coffee with my dad. I just made these paleo pancakes. No sugar, gluten free and made with almond flour. They were very tasty. Last night we exchanged gifts and watched the Country Music Christmas show. Its really good to be home. Things have not changed, life in U.S. continues to move faster, bigger and more elaborately than ever.

I am doing my very best to soak in the quiet, to remember all that I came from, to celebrate the faces of the children that are without knowing they are important, or that their faces have a name, that their faces mean something to someone, or that they are designed and created in love for something big, that god has much in store for them. May this season be a season of hope. of celebrating joy. of knowing that even when things dont seem like enough or things are not as they seem to you, trust that god has you exactly where he wants you. because he is doing something big.

warmest from my family to yours this season.

suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising god and saying,

“glory to god in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

when the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “let’s go to bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the lord has told us about.”

luke 2:13-15

Flying Home

The day is here. Tomorrow morning I am flying from San Pedro Sula to Houston Texas to meet my family. One bus ride and one plane away.

Not sure how much blogging there will be during the holiday break but you can be certain I will be resuming when I come back to Hondy (Honduras) come January. I just laid down in Kates old bed in my old room (Two new teachers come january so i moved out of my room that i had for myself and will now be roommates with faye, switched all the furniture, but since i am prepared to have an early morning i thought i would sleep in here one last time so i do not wake up faye right away). As well i should note that Hondy is giving me one last present before I leave ...... i am not feeling too well. (thank you for that hondy).

An early morning awaits. Night yall.

**** I will recap the Christmas show and my kids performance from last night in a post later.

Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age,

so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. 

1 Timothy 6:17-18

Last Week of School + Lots of Pictures

Writing a class story for Molly was just a few of the highlights for the week. A week that on Wednesday I was pretty sure none of us were going to survive. (Combine last week of school before Christmas excitement with christmas concert practicing, wrapping up classes = chaos). I had the third grade class together come up with a story in honor of Molly's birthday ( I teach third grade English and Science), each page was given to a student to illustrate. To put it short, the kids in the story were jumping on tables, playing football in class, all of them getting in trouble to then the redemption part of the story where they all passed their exams and Molly was happy. You should know this class is notorious for being horrible, I am sure Molly will like the story book. I sure enjoyed listening to them come up with ideas for it.

Here are the pictures of the week (lots of them)

Hanging Stockings. 

Genessis opening the first bag of the advent calender.

Suckers for day 1 of the advent calender

Karla and Madeline

Tuesday Sergio opened the bag.

His expression is fantastic and Aracely! Love it.

Robertos snowman. His name and he was born in New York. (One of the few places kids know in the United States)

Sergios!

Caleb. Classic

Another highlight would be trying to explain to my class in Spanish the difference between the words crunch, munch, crush.... For example letting Howdy place his hands on either side of my face and to push... and told him see this is "crush". You are "crushing my face". Hilarious. (as well to all of my former wyld life friends reading this, this greatly reminded me of "I will crush you" program at wyld life camp michindo)

Here is my class as we waited to practice our performance during school. Thankfully waiting over an hour to go on they were relatively behaved... thank goodness for that.

Al

Check out austin powers in the back, Aracely.

Yesterday my kids had a class party. My kids were ecstatic  In the advent bag yesterday (day 4) was trash.. but what they did not know is that I had goodie bags for them. Filled with all sorts of Christmas treats and things... They were so excited. We had more candy than any child should ever consume in a day. Lots of hugs, thank you, I love you's. (Pretty certain this is because of the candy :))

Look at Angels at the desk face laughing David Cardona just opened the bag to find only trash...

Genessis and Sharon with their bags.

Lizzy

Christmas Countdown, on our board!

Because you can never have enough icing, so I scopped the extra on a napkin and let them lick it with their fingers!

Last evening we watched the kindergarten/ preschool Christmas performance at school and then following a party at the restaurant nearby. I am pretty sure kindergarten and preschool children could be wearing plastic bags and they would still look adorable. The show began with a procession of candles and then followed up Mary and Joseph with a donkey. The preschool has a little girl who is blind and she rode the donkey. It was so sweet.

Weren't all the zoo animals at your nativity scene as well? The unicorn, the lion all in the manager as Jesus was born? According to Honduras they were. 

The lion was incredible.

Santa made an appearance as well. 

The unicorn!

I must try and attempt to explain Honduran fashion as well. Moms wear stiletto heals to what seems like everything  Never mind that its pouring rain and you must walk through a field to get to the performance. You should wear heals. Please see the image below:

Molly and Marvin

This little rugrat :)

Molly and her kiddies 

Cheesy Smile

Today is it. We said goodbye to Kate this morning, had mimosas for breakfast with sweet bread for Molly's birthday. It was a bittersweet morning. Our table was adorned with Goodbye cards, Birthday gifts and birthday cards. Last day of school. Christmas performances are the only thing in our way from the Christmas holiday. So excited.

Two more sleeps away from Home. Only one more day :) and I am H town bound Sunday!