Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Grace Beyond this Moment

I want to write to thank all of you who reached out the past twenty four hours.  Each message I read and appreciate. So thank you. Yesterday morning was a hard morning. One filled with tears, falling on my knees and longing for an understanding.... the anxiousness in my heart of what is to meet me in a weeks time hit me like a freight train yesterday and I wept.

Just as those moments come, those moments indeed pass. And they do pass....

I listen to this song a lot and the lyrics in one line are the reason.....

"Give me grace to see, beyond this moment here. To believe that there is nothing left to fear. That you alone are high above it all. For you my God, are greater still."

These words are the very outcry of my heart so many times when I find myself like I was yesterday. Yearning to trust that there is something beyond all of this.

I do believe that yesterday will happen again. Where I will be met with sorrow and grief that brings to me my knees, and that it is OK. Each time it happens I meet it with a new respect and new embrace. Knowing that I am allowed to grieve. That it is OK to cry. To be sad. That just as I am strong, I must grieve and process all that is taking place...

While I would never wish breast cancer on anyone, so often I find it hard to explain, or merely impossible to capture what it is like to process this on a daily basis. What it is like to look in the mirror and barely recognize who you are. Just today I was on the phone with a woman who was diagnosed almost 25 years ago. Her organization, The Wedding Pink, provides an all expenses paid wedding for a couple impacted by breast cancer. As a professional photographer, she offers portrait photography for survivors.  She has offered to take portraits for me before I start chemotherapy. So that I may remember my hair and just have these for years to come. In just my short discussion with her I found myself connected. As a survivor. We are survivors. I am grateful for that.

Early this morning, I headed out to find my spot on a stationary bike at the gym. I rode while listening to a sermon by Francis Chan. I was looking to fill my head with promises of Gods goodness when the lies in my head often speak louder. I still find church an emotional place to go so a podcast suits me just fine right now.

The rest of my week is busy preparing my last few things before starting chemotherapy. I am meeting the acupuncturist tonight. Through Cleaning for a Reason, Green Cleaners, a local cleaning company is donating their time and energy to clean my house as a gift during my treatment. They are stopping by on Thursday morning. Friday, I meet with my counselor and that evening we have our company holiday party. Saturday, I have long overdue date for a pedicure with a friend and am meeting with a personal trainer to work on exercises to keep me strong during chemotherapy. My mom flies on Sunday night and will be staying for a week. Broncos of course play at 2:40 pm too :)

Whew.... busy week of things but all good things.

I am so grateful for the time my mom is able to spend, here with me. My portraits are being done Monday morning so I look forward to having some with her in them too.

Again, thank you for your kind words, your continued support. This is a long road, so to continue be the recipient of your words, prayers and kindness is so appreciated.

I am off. Have a good week.

Sunset last evening...

When you realize you have Patagonia on, everywhere...

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