Tears on Christmas

I had every intention of writing on the plane about my time at home but I forgot to charge my computer so I was left with my notebook and a borrowed pen from the flight attendant.

Handwritten and now typed below:

I ordered a water just now from the flight attendant for my packet of EmergenC. I drink one a day, along with a Kombucha to make sure I am getting vitamins, antioxidants and nutrients for healing. Now that my week at home is done, I will be moving back into strict vegan eating. Avoiding all chemically processed, artificial flavored and hormone induced food. It is amazing what you get used too.

I wish I could write and tell you that my ten days in Louisville with family and friends went without tears, and only joy, but that would not be true.

Most of my visit I spent at my parents home. I set aside some time to visit friends but quickly found myself gravitating back to be with my mom and dad. No particular reason why but I suppose it felt safe. That if my emotions caught up to me, that it was OK to breakdown at their house. I could escape to my room there and take a few breaths. My parents, while they have spent a great deal of time with me the past few months have only been around a handful of occasions when I have a complete breakdown. Part of that, is trying to stay strong for them......

I was doing quite well with this, until Christmas day.  It was as though someone told me I had cancer for the very first time.

Opening gifts in our living room I watched as my sister opened maternity clothes, things for "junior" (the new baby's already nickname) and her husband a new wardrobe. My dad unpacked the usual slew of outdoor gear, while my mom received new cooking items and a special bracelet saying "grandma".

Two particular gifts I opened from my mom and dad were two new beanie hats. Both fitting perfectly and adorable.... left me silent. I held the hats in my hand and hung my head low. Trying to disguise my anguish I said thank you and that I loved them. My mom knowing me often better than myself looked deep into my eyes and knew my words although true, were apart of a larger narrative.

Once we finished exchanging gifts, I retreated to my bedroom. Looking into the mirror at myself I watched as a pool of tears filled my eyes. My stomach ached and I began to weep. Afraid someone would walk in I made sure to shut my door. Angry for being upset, I tried to tell myself that my parents meant well. That the hats are something I need. Besides I love wearing hats.

I could not muster the courage to put them on my head.

My fear of the future, met me that Christmas morning like a tidal wave. I crawled into bed and cried. Christmas, I thought, a day of joy. A day to look back at the year, all that one has accomplished, and celebrated. It is also a day to look forward to the new year coming ahead. What will the new year bring? What new things will one strive for?

This Christmas day found me looking back overwhelmed for all that has been. Two giant scars across my chest are evidence of the cancer they found. And then I look forward and weep knowing what is ahead. The unknown, the fear, the pain that awaits with chemotherapy.

My mom knowing something was not OK, found me in my bed with my tears. She sat next to me and listened as I explained how I wish I had not been here today. That maybe if I was not here for Christmas then I would not have ruined it. My tears, my sadness ruined the day I told myself. She assured me this was not true and that the greatest gift of all was that we were all home together. She sat with me as she has so many times before, and wiped my tears.

__________________________

I landed back in Colorado this morning. Tomorrow I go back to work, and the doctor. I will be scheduling acupuncture, physical therapy and the cleaning service tomorrow morning. My stitches are being removed Tuesday. My much anticipated stack of bills at home was not here yet, so I suppose they may arrive tomorrow. Wednesday, my medical deductible restarts all over again.

I am taking one foot in front of the other as best I can but the truth is I am still fighting to seek gratitude and joy.

All of you preparing your new years resolutions. Boasting about the change you will make, the pounds you will loose, the body fat percentage you will achieve, take it from a cancer patient.... those pounds you gained over the holidays from meals shared with family and friends, I pray I have many meals and time spent with friends that perhaps cause a few pounds to be gained. Those wrinkles that so many of you are applying creams and paying to have erased, I pray by gods grace I live to see lines, evidence of laughter, of a life lived.  I pray that the meals I have in the coming weeks still taste good when my mouth is covered in toxins from chemo.

 I long for a new year that meets me with more joy, more gratefulness and more of learning about how good God is even when things seem so hard.

Do me a favor and this next year do life well. Live the next year so much so that you immerse yourself in the very things that you delight. The things that bring you joy. Seek forgiveness and never ever stop seeking joy.

My heart feels like it has been broken into a million pieces, but slowly I pick one piece up at a time, even when it is as though they are scattered about the room again. Today I find myself anxious, scared and tired, but smiling about the last week I spent in Kentucky. I do have much to look forward too. I will be an aunt to a little boy this coming May and two dear friends are getting married this summer (Chelsea and Kylie)!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and if your Christmas found you in tears, may you still find thanks and know that I am very grateful for you. I am certain God loves you very much too.

Happy New Year Everyone
Love, Kristina

*** The hats, I will post sometime, I warmed up to and like them a lot. I love them so and will be worn so much in the coming months.

Here are some pictures from my time at home. Enjoy!

Thirteen Year Tradition of decorating Gingerbread Houses.

Not our best decorations but still fun. 

Stefanie and I ran into Chelsea at breakfast one morning. 

Christmas Eve dinner at Mortons.

Brittany (Junior :)) and Mom

Brittany and I (Thank you Emily and Daniel at Louisville Athletics) at the Basketball game Saturday. Despite the loss we still had a great time.

Sister picture. Erin and Lindsey.

Flying Home

The day is here. Tomorrow morning I am flying from San Pedro Sula to Houston Texas to meet my family. One bus ride and one plane away.

Not sure how much blogging there will be during the holiday break but you can be certain I will be resuming when I come back to Hondy (Honduras) come January. I just laid down in Kates old bed in my old room (Two new teachers come january so i moved out of my room that i had for myself and will now be roommates with faye, switched all the furniture, but since i am prepared to have an early morning i thought i would sleep in here one last time so i do not wake up faye right away). As well i should note that Hondy is giving me one last present before I leave ...... i am not feeling too well. (thank you for that hondy).

An early morning awaits. Night yall.

**** I will recap the Christmas show and my kids performance from last night in a post later.

Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age,

so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. 

1 Timothy 6:17-18

Central American Neighbors

Friday evening Stephanie and Arturo drove from Guatemala City to Pena Blanca (the town I live in) they made a stop in Kopan Ruins to break up their 9 hour journey. Long drive, but having my best friend here for the weekend was so great. Friday after school Thomas and I began preparing our family dinner. We were serving garlic roasted french fries for appetizer, a fruit and cabbage salad with homemade dressing, roasted green beans and chicken and rice with a pineapple-watermelon salsa. Our dessert was puppy chow. We had a lot of work to do. In anticipation of Stephanie and Arturo arriving to the D and D, I knew Jason would be coming over with them around 5:30/6 so I wanted to make sure most of the dinner was done.

They arrived bringing a real American imported pumpkin, rice krispie treats and one can of pumpkin. Pumpkin is next to impossible to find in this country, let alone pumpkins that you could carve. The pumpkin may have cost Stephanie $17.00 or so but I was so excited. By the way my roommates many of which have never carved a pumpkin before will be assisting with me!

Our evening was spent as per usual + two guests. We sat around our big wooden table, ate food, laughed, talked, and were super full. We then decided to play our charades, acting out, guessing game.  Big props goes to Arturo who played with us, can you imagine playing charades in Spanish with a bunch of people who's first language is Spanish (No way I would play).

Saturday morning we woke up to have breakfast at the D and D and drank coffee. Stephanie, Arturo and I drove through the town quickly in the morning. I took them by my school so they could have a tour.

At eleven we were meeting up for river tubing. It is hard to explain what this was like, because it is not your typical lazy river tour, nor is it rapids, it was a super fast river flow, lots of branches, sticks and curves and you on your tube, freezing cold water holding on in hopes that you do not flip out or ram into the side of the river. Molly, Faye, Stephanie and I were close together for the beginning of the adventure.... screaming, turned to laughing on the second. I am sure if someone was taking a video they would have a great laugh. The river opened up into the huge Lake Yojoa. The cold water of the river flows into the warm water of the lake and the next thing you know all of us are floating in open water... It was incredibly beautiful. We cliff jumped from the side of the lake off a 25 foot cliff or so. The journey up the cliff was harder than the jump. Faye, the boys and Me jumped. Arturo and Matt finished off with back flips. Pretty soon all of us were cold and we started paddling back up the river to then walk back to the D and D.

We decided that we should as well take Arturo and Stephanie to see Pulapansak waterfall. I drove Stephanie's Car (her windows are tinted so dark that you have to roll down the windows sometimes to get a better view) This was definitely something I can check off my list of things I have done in Central America, including checking off my dream of "playing chicken" while driving. Driving in central America is a constant game of chicken, who will move first, who will go first, who will swerve or pass first. Its like Mario kart but much busier. A bit terrifying but really fun. We arrived at the waterfall to just take pictures, walk around a bit. This was the place that I did the popular behind the waterfall tour the first week I got here. 

The rest of our evening was spent at the D and D playing trivia. The girls would tell you that I barely played because I was too distracted making smores and friends around the camp fire. But to be honest they were much better without me there! Our team was Stephanie, Faye, Molly, and Arturo. The boys had to be separated to a different group and they won! The final trivia question... If you sailed east from New York City which country would you come to first? (England, Spain, Iceland, Norway, Scotland, Ireland, Portugal). The correct answer was Portugal. They won a pitcher of beer. 

We left the D and D and ventured to the bar in town to go dancing. We stayed only an hour or so because we were really tired and Stephanie and Arturo had to leave early Sunday to drive home. 

I cannot say enough about how nice it was to have her and Arturo visiting for the weekend. So many moments passed that I had to wonder where it was that we were? It is the strangest thing to have my best friend here with me. Stephanie is a real teacher. (not like me, she has an official teaching degree) She has helped me with bestowing her wisdom in the classroom and I know her kids are lucky to have her as their teacher. She teaches at the American School in Guatemala City. She is currently in her third year at the school and 2nd year with her boyfriend, she has certainly made her home Guatemala. Her boyfriend was so nice and it was so good to finally meet him. I think all of my roommates enjoyed them as well. Faye and Molly asked if Arturo has any brothers for them :)

I was not so good at taking pictures.... But here is one below of us at the waterfall. I also wish I had pictures of the dinner on Friday. Hopefully I can get a few pictures from Thomas.

Me, Molly, Stephanie, and Kate

You can tell how big the fall is compared to the man in the picture. 

As for me it is Thursday (finally) It has rained all week long it seems and I am more than ready for the weekend. Rain makes kids go crazy. Thomas turns 24 tomorrow and we are hoping to go to San Pedro Sula to do some shopping. Happy Thursday yall.

Warmest Kristina