Thursday, January 22, 2015

Living in the Waiting

The sweet patience of waiting....

So many times that is what this season feels like. Waiting for the pain to subside, for the fatigue to disappear, waiting for the doctor, waking up in the middle of the night waiting to fall asleep again or waiting for my next round of chemotherapy. I have decided that rather than thinking of it as waiting, I want to think of it as living. I am living still in the waiting.

The past forty eight hours have been eventful to say the least. After a difficult afternoon on Tuesday it was obvious to me that my body was fighting off something and something was wrong. I called the oncologist and they asked that I come the next morning. My dear friend Erin met me and we got our usual coffee first. We picked up some vegan muffins and drove in the snow to the hospital. I learned that I have a bacterial infection, one that is not uncommon due to my low immune system. With my immune system compromised I was not able to fight it off. I am now on two different antibiotics and hopefully over the next few days I will start to feel better.

Last night I slept nearly eight straight hours and even made it back to the gym this morning to walk on the treadmill. I am going up and down constantly, as my body is adjusting to the "chemo cocktail" I was given last week. I am learning to grant myself grace when I am exhausted and do not feel good. Easier said than done....

Some new developments have taken place due to the chemotherapy..... my face has broken out, I have a rash on my hands and my hair has already begun to thin. I have noticed that I may be dealing with a bit of chemo brain.  I am unable to remember things, often forgetting and sometimes just unsure of what to do. Overall I am drained. Not only do I not feel good, but my appearance is reflective of this. As trivial as that may seem that has become difficult.

I have been spending a lot of time reading, reflecting on this journey which is before me.....

John Piper wrote these words that have now been something I have re-read over and over again.....

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.

The truth that I am cared for. Even in this. That my body in what feels so broken is being made new. That although he did not promise for healing he did promise that he would be present in the midst of all of it. So while I am trying to live while I wait, I am looking to this.

I am already in bed and it is 7:30 pm. I saw my oncologist today and we reviewed my blood counts. My counts are very low and she has advised me to be careful so I do not get sick. She explained this is why I am feeling tired and fatigued.

Which I had already thought.

So off to bed it is. I am back to work in the midst of all of this but am very happy tomorrow is Friday. A not planned weekend is in order. Hoping as my counts rise I will begin to feel like myself again.

Hope this finds you well and learning what it means to "Live" even if that means in the midst of waiting for something...

Erin driving me to the Cancer Center early Wednesday morning, with our matching hats.

Flowers from a colleague who gets me flowers at each milestone.

The view today. It was beautiful and so clear.

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