I would take cancer

Cancer is an amazing thing. It not only the power to take your life from you, but it can prohibit you from living in the present, while it inhabits your very being. One of the most common questions people want to ask me is "What stage are you?" "It's early isn't it?" I often smile and say, "Of Course, I mean how late can it be? I am only 26 years old?". I have learned my positive enthusiasm makes others less scared. For people viewing from the outside, they often want to take your diagnosis, simplify it down to a set of bullet points so it is manageable and more comprehensible. Becuase if people can simply do that, then cancer isn't that bad. They have a peace of mind, tell me I will be fine and carry on with their day to day.

I wish it were that easy but you see it isn't. For me it isn't at all.

Cancer is invading my every being. Cancer came into my life without permission and now has the ability to destroy everything around me. It can prohibit me from finding joy and laughing. Prohibit me from the life I have been granted.

But I refuse to give it that power.

Wednesday evening I walked into my house from work and our house was full of guests. My roommate was hosting friends for dinner. As I walked into the house the guests were all laughing and drinking wine. With my head held down and fighting the tears that seemed to be creeping up, I made a beeline to my room. I shut the door to my bedroom and nearly collapsed in my tears. Dropping my bag, tears streamed from my eyes like never before. In that moment I laid on my floor and crawled in close. I held my knees to my chest and weeped. Weeped in the fear of the future. Of this November 5 date looming in the future and the unknowns. I cried in envy. Envy of everyone else who gets to keep going, without what seems to be a care in the world and I am battling cancer. In the hour or so that I laid on my floor crying I told myself "I don't know how to do this."

Unfortunately that is where I am at right now. In the midst of unknown. Until November 5 the full scope of my cancer diagnosis is unclear. I am at this point carrying on with life as I always had. minus the fact that every ten seconds I feel a sharp pain in my chest and I am reminded that I have breast cancer.

On Thursday two different individuals in my life shared with me the passage of, Luke 22. The story where Jesus wept, pleading with God that he would take away the obstacle before him. But Jesus then said "but not my will but yours be done."

I would never wish cancer on anyone. This new reality of cancer books, and doctors appointments and pathology reports is something I never imagined becoming an expert in. But this is my reality. I have breast cancer and I cannot change that. I am prepared to see what God will do with this and I sure as hell want to be prepared to fight.

Although I am deeply sad, and often collapse in tears, I would take a cancer diagnosis over and over again to have the gift that has been the past few weeks anyday. The two weeks with my parents are something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Wednesday after I had been diagnosed I fell asleep next to my dad while he and my mom reasearched plastic surgeons. I was safe and in that moment I was at peace. I have shared countless moments like this one. I otherwise would have never had these moments and for that I say thank you.

Saturday morning I gathered with five of my closest girlfriends so they could pray over me. For an hour we sat, shared and the girls lifted me up. Unable to pray before my tears began to fall, they prayed when I could not.

I am not angry at God. I am scared and I am sad. But in the midst of it alll, I don't want to miss what he is going to do in all of this. I don't want to one day be in remission and think to myself wow you missed it. Didnt you see what he was doing the whole time?

So my prayer today is not for my cancer to go away like magic (although it would be nice). But rather to soak in this journey. To breathe in the sweet moments with others. To be grateful for people who show up with no previous close relationship and want to remind me of truths when I cannot see them myself.  I am grateful for people who declare that God is good and that they believe God is doing something good in all of this. I want to remain grateful for friends who take time on their weekend to lay a hand and wipe my tears.

Again I cannot say enough thanks for all of you who have reached out, who are reading, who are praying and who care.

As a young female cancer unfortunately can be a much bigger battle. Things I have never before had to think about, fertility, breast feeding, premature menopause etc. So while these still remain unknowns and could never become "issues" praying for my fears in this are appreciated.

Warmest regards to all of you. And I am off to cheer on the Broncos :)

"Because if I could see what he could see, then I would make the same choice"

"I don't think I could do that."

In the waiting room before I went back for my MRI, I stared at an older woman waiting in a chair across from me. With a scarf covering her bare skinned scalp and olive skin, it was obvious she had cancer. I thought to myself ...How does she do it? How does she show up and wait, time and time again? Waiting hoping that this time the news the doctors had would be different? It must be hard to visit a doctor all the time. To be sick.

I looked at my mom and said, "I don't think I could do that."

My mom, aware of the thoughts in my head without even having to say them, agreed with me. Shaking her head, she said, "It is hard". For those people. For those people, who have cancer. It is very hard.

Soon after my name was called, I went back for my MRI. When I was finished I came back to the waiting room and noticed that the older woman was gone.

I smiled at my mom, told her that the MRI went well and we walked out of the hospital quickly discussing where we would have dinner that evening.

Never ever did I leave the office that day thinking I would be "one of those people, who have cancer".

Two weeks ago yesterday I became a cancer patient.

Today I am trying to find out how I am supposed to do this.

How do I show up to work? Go to the doctor for what already feels like the tenth time? How do I keep going, when it seems like the world around me has stopped. Like someone robbed me of the life I once had.

Last evening I went on a run (while I still can) at Washington Park with one of my best friends from college and shared my frustration. Frustrated that it seems everyone around me gets to keep going on with life...

Friends planning trips, buying new houses, getting married.....

As for me, I am preparing to battle breast cancer.

My heart aches.... like I never ever knew that it could.

Yesterday I cancelled my end of November flight to Guatemala. My high school best friend, Stephanie Riley is getting married there. After a year of anticipation, her wedding is November 29, 2014 and I don't get to be there.

I came home last night to my first of many large medical bills and several medical bill estimates. This new reality is lonely, heart breaking, sad and scary.

As you continue on with your day to day, may you find joy and gratitude in even the minimal and say an extra prayer for me. Your messages and virtual hugs are received with the utmost gratitude. The gifts and cards adorning my house make me smile, so thank you.

I am honored to announce I will be an aunt next year. An aunt and a breast cancer survivor even if I don't know how to do either of them.

Congratulations to my sister and Josh. I love you both and your little bean on the way.

Below is a picture of Amy Patwa, my friend I spoke of and a woman who I have admired so much. Two years ago she lost her battle with breast cancer. She like me was BRCA 2 positive. She radiated joy through the end and made sure everyone knew that she was not angry. But she trusted who God was in it all. Sure hoping she could share some of that with me today.

The Day

I have tried to find the words to write down what has happened over the past week and a half but I quickly become overwhelmed, followed by fear, sadness and tears… so I have chosen not to write. But to hopefully answer some of your questions about how such news could have come to me just one month away from my 27^th birthday I will transcribe the events below.

July 24, 2014 I got the call that I was BRCA 2 Positive for the breast cancer gene. (I had decided to take the test so that I would know my likelihood of getting breast cancer and how to be proactive). As  a result my OBGYN ordered an MRI. She advised that as a result of being positive I am considered “high risk” for breast cancer. The statistics indicate that BRCA positive patients have a 60-80% chance of getting breast cancer in their lifetime. This futuristic fear led me to believe that at some point I will probably have breast cancer ........ but never expected it to be anytime soon.

Flash forward to a month and a half later, September 25, 2014. My mom flew in that morning to spend the weekend visiting me in Denver. The purpose of her trip was to walk with me, in of all things, The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk. We had decided to make a weekend of it, to honor her sisters, her mom all three touched by breast cancer and that both of us are BRCA 2 positive. Knowing that my mom would be visiting I decided to schedule my MRI while she was here so she could be with me. The evening of, Thursday September 25, 2014 I went in for my Breast MRI. My mom and I left the MRI glad the test was done for the year and ready for our weekend.

Friday September 26, 2014 I was at work while my mom was hanging around her hotel for the day. Around 10:30 am my phone rang from the radiologist. Two places on my left side showed up on my MRI abnormal. The radiologist explained that they wanted to do a mammogram and an ultra sound. Knowing that my mom was to fly out in the afternoon of Monday September 29, 2014 I asked if I could come in Monday morning. Fortunately they could take me first thing that morning.

The weekend with my mom was bittersweet and overshadowed by the looming unknown that would meet us Monday morning. All of a sudden my excitement to walk in the Breast Cancer walk disappeared by my own fear that someday my name would be a T-Shirt at a walk.

Monday September 27, 2014 I had my mammogram first. The mammogram specifically targeted the left breast. Following the mammogram my mom and I walked in to a small room for my ultra sound of that area. Although I was not able to see the screen, my mom looked on as the radiologist circled the same area of my breast and underneath my left arm pit. It was obvious something was in both places. After what seemed like hours of silence in that room (maybe only 10 minutes). The radiologist explained that I have an enlarged lymph node and a place in my left breast she wants to have biopsied. My eyes began to fill with water, as fear filled my heart. My mom in tears explained that she was in town visiting and it would be really good if they could get me in today. The nurse kindly said let me check and see what is open and I will come right back.

Waiting, we asked a lot of questions to the radiologist and she encouraged us that it could very well be nothing. She went on to explain that younger women often have developing breasts and this is not uncommon to find places. In my heart (for some reason) I had a feeling something was not right.

The nurse came right back in the room and said you will not believe this, but they can take you right now. Within 15 minutes I was prepped for surgery and having the biopsy done of the two places. 

1. An enlarged lymph node under my left arm pit
2. Small tumor in my left breast.

That evening my mom and I weren't up for doing much. We ate dinner, shared our fears, cried a lot and messaged family and friends to ask for prayer. Afraid of what the next day would bring, we anxiously fell asleep knowing that the next day a call would come that would either erase our fears or symbolize the beginning of my journey to fight breast cancer.

Tuesday September 30, 2014 (THE DAY). I decided to go to work, knowing that it would be miserable waiting around for a phone call. I thought work would distract. My mom had my car and was back at her hotel. Almost exactly 24 hours after my biopsy my phone rang while walking back from lunch downtown Denver…..

Walking away from my colleagues for privacy I answered the phone and the doctor kindly asked how my biopsy incisions were doing and how I was feeling. I answered him and my heart began to beat fast. (I thought, why is he lingering on the phone?).

The doctor then asked, “Is now an OK time to speak?”

As my eyes filled with water, and my heart began to ache, he said that he had wished he had better news for me. With a cracking voice and tears I listened and said “OK”. He said, “Your left breast tumor is malignant. You have Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer.”

I sat down on the side walk and listened. I am not sure I heard a single thing he said. Hanging up the phone I walked to my colleagues and nearly collapsed in my tears. I called my mom. I told her, “You need to come get me. My left side is malignant. You need to come get me.”

Like a robot my mom answered me as I spoke to her. The shock was in full effect for us both.

The rest of this story is kind of a blur. 

What do you do when you find out you have breast cancer? How do you respond? The truth is I have no idea. I am still in shock. It is as though my life was ripped out from underneath me. I am grieving, sad, angry, and scared.

The following morning Wednesday October 1, 2014 my dad flew in to Denver so both of my parents could be with me as we met with doctors all week. I have seen a breast surgeon, oncologist and plastic surgeon. 

November 5, I will have a double mastectomy. Following surgery my treatment plan will be determined (chemo, medicine etc). The tumor is small but the cancer is growing fast.

I am heart broken and I am scared but I am so grateful that I decided to have the genetic test done. If I had not, I would most likely not have found this tumor until it was much further along.

Your prayers are appreciated as this long road begins. My family is so grateful to all of you and it does not go without notice.

Amy Patwa a dear friend, also BRCA 2 positive, died after her battle with breast cancer two years ago in January. Her words have never been more true than they are to me today.

"I have my opinion and desires for how i’d like our stories to be written. but I trust God more than I trust myself. I know He loves us and desires way more for us than I could even fathom. now there are times where I’d take the boring life with nothing impactful happening. but that’s not what He’s got in store for us." - Amy DiBias Patwa 

Sending so much gratitude from this new place and journey

Love Kristina

When I learned that most of the time I live in fear

This past year has been been a journey to say the least. I spent the last year adjusting to living in the States after a year abroad. Just two weeks ago I started my new career working at Baceline Investments after leaving my position at Colorado Christian University. I have traveled from California, Las Vegas, Florida, Texas, Seattle, Wyoming, Chicago and Louisville. Life has been unexpectedly busy..... and just two weeks ago I learned of my BRCA2 positive result.

All of a sudden life seemed to stop for a second.

BRCA2 is a hereditary gene mutation that is most commonly known as the breast cancer gene. This gene has a 50% chance of being passed down. I was aware of my risk but never imagined that I would be a carrier. Quite candidly I decided  to have the genetic test done. Confident that I would test negatively I went through with the test to confirm my expected negative result. Unfortunately I was wrong. Although this is not a death wish, and does not immediately change anything for me, it has been an overwhelming reality to face. The statistics are staggering, the unknowns are endless and the truth is raw.....

So this is where the title of my post becomes relevant. I have to admit I am afraid. And quite honestly I think most of the time I am always afraid. I live in fear of what is next.

Life up to this point has not been what I had ever imagined it to be. I say this not because I am not grateful for what it has been but I must admit this is not where I thought or what I thought I would be doing. I never thought that I would be living in Colorado (still), that I would be working in real estate investing, that I would have traveled to where I have or that I would be certified to teach yoga. The funny thing about planning is plans typically don't work out like we intend for them to. I find myself looking to the past, and scared to look forward. Its easier to look back, its comfortable, I know what is there. My current reality is good. I am grateful, but now with this unfortunate result looming, the future looks even scarier.

For some reason though, I trust that God had all of this in his plans the whole time....

So although my unfortunate news is rather scary.... I am confident. Confident that my plans will continue to be "mine" and God's plan will continue to be the best one.

The plans I cannot fathom and a tomorrow that is unknown.

So starting today I am choosing joy. Embracing the unknown and soaking up the promise that he continues to work all things together...

Take heart in the fact that God absolutely and unequivocally knows you better than you know yourself

Warmest regards to you on this Monday.

Below pictures from my parents visit in July...

***sorry for the delayed silence on the blog.

Real Milestones

I often wonder what I was doing this very day one year ago. Although it has not even been a full year of living in the States, I often find myself replaying my life abroad. I imagine waking up in our house to turn off my fan that I nearly tripped over each day. I remember learning that there was nothing to turn off because the power was out,  my fan was already off. This discovery then led me to accept the fact that I cannot flush the toilet because the water is as well turned off. And then the dreaded fate of not being able to make coffee. I remember those mornings oh so well.....

One particular day at school we were sitting in an assembly and I found myself surrounded by six of the boys in my class. They chose their seats right next to me. Soon after they were climbing onto my lap and clinging on my shoulders. I remember it so clearly. Smiling and laughing as they each pleaded as to why they should sit the closest to me.("Miss Miss!") This memory is so precious to me. This is a memory that causes my eyes to fill with water. These tears take me back there, as though I can touch the moment with my very hands. If I close my eyes I imagine sitting on the concrete floor laughing. My heart longs so deeply to feel that joy. The joy of those faces in that memory. Just one more time.

I am so grateful that the memories come back to me. That I get to carry them with me all the days. That those sweet faces are still smiling today in that little part of the world that shaped me into the woman I am today. The same woman that is yearning to love others well..... to share joy and respect the very gift of simply living and even laugh at the most simple of pleasures...

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of a memory unannounced  stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these."- Susan B. Anthony

My Cup Is Full

I forgot how to write. I forgot the power of words. I forgot how much this place (my blog) allowed me to live in the present. This place allowed me to share my heart.

The truth is I never felt that the past few (7) months were much to write about. I was not living in a third world country anymore, I was not chasing mice out of our house or climbing volcanoes on the weekends. I felt that today's story was one that didn't amount to much of anything. So I remained silent.

But alas here I am.... attempting to write again.

I sit here on my couch drinking coffee (Dominican Republic coffee gifted from my Aunt and Uncle).
I have yet to purchase a bag of coffee since returning to the States. The bags of coffee I brought back from Costa Rica and a few bags gifted to me from those who traveled South have kept my pantry stocked of coffee ground goodness. My cup has remained full. 

The notion of a cup being full is often a metaphor used in Christian circles, to describe being full of the Holy Spirit. That you are so filled with Gods blessing and promises that your "cup runneth over". I am grateful for a great number of things, which in many ways makes me feel "very full".

Grateful.

Today I wake up in a warm house, with a coffee pot that I simply push a button and it fills up with a cozy cup of joe. The sun beyond our house is rising to shine on the Rocky Mountains. The snow capped peaks that reflect on the city, offer promises of hope, of change and security. The laughter down the hallway in my office, reminds me that I work in a safe place. A place that believes in students, that believes in Jesus and loving others well.

Paying my taxes reminds me of last year. Of living on next to nothing, to then moving into a new job. The gift of health insurance. The new joy of getting your teeth cleaned. A haircut that is really such a wonderful thing to do. So relaxing and you feel like a new person. I am grateful that these seemingly meaningless tasks now become big blessings.

My friends here and new roommates remind me of relationships. Great relationships I am privileged to have. This year I will stand as two of the dearest ones pledge their love and lives to someone else. I will stand, try to hold back tears as the joy in the room I am certain will be overwhelming.

This year has already been an adventure. And those of you that know me well or have followed my blog, know that I would have it no other way. January, I spent a long weekend in Steamboat Springs, skiing and drinking Pappy van Winkle to mourn the loss of Charlie Strong to Texas.

I quickly turned around and found myself in "Sin City" aka Las Vegas with friends from college. We danced, we lost some money, and watched the Broncos run to the divisional playoffs.

The following week I headed west to San Diego. This work trip was cushioned with time spent watching the sunset over the Pacific, running along the beach, catching up with an old college roommate and my cousins. My skin had missed the salty air and appreciated the warmth in January.

February I found myself yet again on a plane making my way to the opposite coast, Clearwater Beach, Florida. I was privileged to join our women's Softball team on their tournament trip to the "Sunshine State". Although it was not very sunny, it was a great trip getting to know the girls, assisting with trip details and putting my toes yet again in the sand.

As for today my parents are walking the vineyards in South Africa, my sister is in the music city of Nashville celebrating a soon to be bride and I am going to be heading to the baseball field for our men's team to play a doubleheader.

So today amidst my hearts longing for the past and the struggle to be joyful in the present. I am reminded that my cup is indeed full.

Steamboat Springs, Colorado

Las Vegas

San Diego, California

Clearwater Beach, Flordia

For What Once Was

The videos that capture the laughter, my kids singing "Deck the Halls" (or screaming rather for the hundredth time), photos of me riding in the back of a pickup truck through the country, smiling at the faces of my second graders that I once got to stare into each day of the week, reminiscing my Birthday that I spent on the river in Guatemala last November, or admiring the Volcanoes that stood amidst the sunset in Antigua Thanksgiving in 2012. 

My heart longs for that place in the jungle by the lake,  the place I once called home, the place that gave me more than I ever asked for in return. A place that seemed to know love and joy like I had never had before. So while I bundle up (-9 F tonight in Denver) and drive to work tomorrow as I will do the next.... I cannot help but wonder......

This time last year my class of second graders were opening advent bags filled with surprises. We laughed more, played more, colored more and sang often as we prepared for our Christmas concert. Although I may be settled in Colorado today and enjoying the backdrop of mountains on my morning commute.... not a second passes that does not ache to be back in that place. A place that demonstrates the essence of what I believe God had intended all along. To live with deliberate passion, to love others well and to be fully engaged into those around us.....

Last January I found comfort reading the words of a Amy knowing she was now healed and dancing with Jesus. In April I grieved the loss of a another friend, and cried tears writing these words, "Thoughts and prayers to you wherever you are... and whatever you are grieving because lets be honest I am certain I am not the only one." 

It has been a year of great joy, loss and deep pains of grief......

So while I am warm, with a roof over my head and I have a job I love to attend in the morning......

I grieve for what once was and do my best to trust for what lies ahead...

I can choose to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thes.5:18) because I am confident He can see beyond what I can see. Furthermore, if I could see with His eyes I would make the same choice, because God is beyond good...