Monday, August 11, 2014

When I learned that most of the time I live in fear

This past year has been been a journey to say the least. I spent the last year adjusting to living in the States after a year abroad. Just two weeks ago I started my new career working at Baceline Investments after leaving my position at Colorado Christian University. I have traveled from California, Las Vegas, Florida, Texas, Seattle, Wyoming, Chicago and Louisville. Life has been unexpectedly busy..... and just two weeks ago I learned of my BRCA2 positive result.

All of a sudden life seemed to stop for a second.

BRCA2 is a hereditary gene mutation that is most commonly known as the breast cancer gene. This gene has a 50% chance of being passed down. I was aware of my risk but never imagined that I would be a carrier. Quite candidly I decided  to have the genetic test done. Confident that I would test negatively I went through with the test to confirm my expected negative result. Unfortunately I was wrong. Although this is not a death wish, and does not immediately change anything for me, it has been an overwhelming reality to face. The statistics are staggering, the unknowns are endless and the truth is raw.....

So this is where the title of my post becomes relevant. I have to admit I am afraid. And quite honestly I think most of the time I am always afraid. I live in fear of what is next.

Life up to this point has not been what I had ever imagined it to be. I say this not because I am not grateful for what it has been but I must admit this is not where I thought or what I thought I would be doing. I never thought that I would be living in Colorado (still), that I would be working in real estate investing, that I would have traveled to where I have or that I would be certified to teach yoga. The funny thing about planning is plans typically don't work out like we intend for them to. I find myself looking to the past, and scared to look forward. Its easier to look back, its comfortable, I know what is there. My current reality is good. I am grateful, but now with this unfortunate result looming, the future looks even scarier.

For some reason though, I trust that God had all of this in his plans the whole time....

So although my unfortunate news is rather scary.... I am confident. Confident that my plans will continue to be "mine" and God's plan will continue to be the best one.

The plans I cannot fathom and a tomorrow that is unknown.

So starting today I am choosing joy. Embracing the unknown and soaking up the promise that he continues to work all things together...

Take heart in the fact that God absolutely and unequivocally knows you better than you know yourself

Warmest regards to you on this Monday.

Below pictures from my parents visit in July...

***sorry for the delayed silence on the blog.

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