Saturday, December 13, 2014

Saturday Morning Update

Good Morning, Day 9 of fertility medicine. The nurse called me yesterday with my dosage instructions (She calls every day) and said that I must take my shots prior to 6:30 am and that today would potentially be my "trigger shot" (the last one). This would mean my retrieval would take place on Monday. I should know more in an hour when I get to the doctors office. I look forward to this process to be completed and my early morning wake ups to stop..... Which ever day it is, I want my eggs to be mature and ready to be retrieved so it does not matter to me. I am still tracking the same numbers, I have had a few more eggs show up so fingers crossed those little guys can catch up to the size needed to be frozen. I would love to have a healthy amount in the bank.

An update on where I stand medically, I am doing well. I have not experienced the major side effects the nurse advised I would. I do tire quickly but I also think this is me adjusting to work full time. I am still trying to rest a lot, minus the early morning wakeups for shots, so that my body continues to recover and heal. I went to crossfit again yesterday and saw more of my 6 am morning friends. Most of the time I watched, laughed at them (not really) but was able to do more mild exercises to increase my mobility. It definitely seems to help my spirits for the day.

This weekend is quiet around here for me, some final christmas shopping to complete, baking some cookies and hopefully a Christmas movie or two. The weather is supposed to be mid 60's today so a walk around Wash Park seems just what the doctor ordered.

I fly home next Saturday to be with my family for ten days, I will fly back to Colorado the Sunday following Christmas and back to work before my first round of chemotherapy on January 13. 

I am trying my best not to speculate how this will go, how I will respond, but it is certainly hard not too. My hair is expected to fall out within 14 days of my treatment. I am going to wait until it starts to fall, to then shave it. I want to process this, feel it and not proactively shave.

I think the hardest thing about losing my hair, is that most people up to this point have said how well I have done..... how good I look and compliment my healing. But, as soon as my hair goes it is as though this routine, this pretend "I am doing really great look" doesn't sell itself so well anymore. Without my hair, my bald head will invite others to my story, to know that I am/was sick that otherwise would have never known. I am/ will embrace this as best I can with grace and love. Most of all more love for myself. I would love to admit that it is just hair and I really do not care but I am afraid I would be lying to myself. My hair makes me feel like me, like a woman and beautiful..... so I think this may be a difficult thing to process.

So much of breast cancer strips your femininity away from you ..... not to mention the fertility process. The physical attributes that most often characterize a woman, her breasts, her ability to conceive, her hair... are all things that are being taken away from me. 

But what a beautiful thing God has done to remind me that my body, my appearance is not what defines my value. These very things do not make me more or less of a woman. It is who I am. What makes my heart beat, how I smile, what makes me laugh, how I embrace and love others, that is what makes me who I am..... 

I really must get going so I am not late. My house is quiet and I am afraid I have woken some of my roommates up. Someday soon my life will fall back to normalcy again I think.... 

But today I am trying to soak up the me that is today and me that has always been. Knowing that the God that always was and will always be, loves me and you dearly....

Happy Holidays to all of you. Your continued prayers as I prepare for my retrieval. I am nervous but confident the doctor has prepared me and my body is going to give me just the number of eggs I may some day (perhaps not) need.

Love Kristina

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