Presence over presents- Kara Tippets

I sit listening to Christmas music, with a red starbucks cup sipping on coffee. The store is adorned with all things Christmas decor. Tis the season it is. I love Christmas. I love this time of year. I love the way Thanksgiving is the segway to all things holiday..... celebrations, gatherings, laughter and joy.

Oh how my heart longs that this season looked different for me.

I am drinking coffee slowly today because tomorrow I can't have any. Tomorrow I start Day 1 of fertility treatments. Two shots to my stomach in the morning. Two shots in the evening. I will continue with this regime, for the next ten days. The intention of the drugs is to stimulate my ovaries so I have eggs available for extraction. (egg freezing) This is estimated to take place on December 16. I have never given myself a shot before. (let alone two, or four for that matter in one day).

As I begin to reflect on this Christmas season, I am afraid. Afraid of not being present in the middle of it. My emotions change just as the street lights.  My fragile heart longs to live in the now, and just as I find myself entering the present moment at hand, I find myself overwhelmed and scared, so I wish to run out of it.

January 13, I will have my first chemotherapy treatment. My hair will soon fall away after that. Today the physical therapist said, "You will know. When you go to put your hair in a ponytail and it doesnt stay." My eyes began to fill with water.

You see Christmas happens to fall in the middle of this waiting, in the middle of the unknown. First egg harvesting, then Christmas and New Years and after that three months of chemotherapy.

Oh the future how far away, yet so close you seem.

Monday, I am going to attempt to return to work. There are a few things I have considered in this decision. My long for normal. My hope to find a distraction and that my body overall is doing very well. I need to go back. The other side to this equation is, that I am not receiving income at this time. The reality of looming bills and bills not yet paid. I have to go back.

I am also feeling very guilty. I made a commitment to my job and this diagnosis is not their fault.  I feel as though I have let them down. I know they would quickly deny this claim and assure me that I have not but if you're reading, then know this is how I am feeling. I was the newest employee. I was the first employee they have had take short term leave. It was unknown territory. My boss who took a chance on me, who chose to mentor me in our business, is pregnant and I want to be ready for when she leaves. I want to show up. Do my job well and pretend that cancer did not happen.

I am afraid I am going to cry a lot. The fertility medication I have been told could make me sad, depressed and tired. I want to ask the nurse, "How is that any different than how I already feel?" 

My family went home on Wednesday and I am back in my house. I spoke with my neighbor on the street who had been told of my diagnosis from my roommate. (I had not seen her yet). She gave me a big hug and shared with me how incredibly sad she was. That she was unsure what to say or do. I assured her that her hug was more than enough.

The cards I continue to receive are read. Thank you. Thank you for not forgetting me. For continuing to reach out. I knew that the messages would slow down, so all of you who continue to send your words, I am so very grateful. To those of you who are showing up for my family, thank you. Often times the caregivers need just as much love and support as the patient, so thank you for doing that so well. My sister as you may or may not know is pregnant. My parents are going to be grandparents this year. Thank you for celebrating this new life with our family. Please continue to lift them up as well. 

If you have not started reading Kara Tippets blog, I encourage you to do so. She is truly remarkable. She writes this regarding her long for joy this holiday season as her body is fading and treatments continue to fail. Her words below regarding the upcoming season have never meant so much:

I have been thinking a lot about what it is that nurtures peace in our home, fights fear, and multiplies joy. Stuff will never do any of those things. Never. But our presence in life with one another- our intention in loving, our living in love- that lasts. More than all of that- our nearness to Jesus and His grace will bring abiding peace, true peace, lasting comfort. Our living within the moment together, screens down, snuggle love, reflecting on the goodness of God, question asking- living together. That’s what I long for with my people.

Truthfully today has been a hard day. I am not doing very well. I cry a lot. I am overwhelmed. I am waiting on drugs to be overnighted, a bill that is not being approved properly by insurance, and I do not have much energy for everything. 

I dont have much else to share. I will write on how I am doing with the fertility medication once I get started. In Kara's blog she shares this, "Presence over presents." 

Thank you for your presence in my cancer journey.

How could this holiday season look different if we lived out "Presence over presents"?

With so much gratitude... Love Kristina

Celebrating Stephanies forever when I have trouble believing in my own

This morning I know I need to write about the wedding weekend but all I can think about is what happened yesterday on my plane ride from Guatemala to Houston.

I boarded the flight and found my seat next to the window. I rested my head soon after boarding, struggling to get comfortable. The previous evening I did not sleep well and I could tell the adrenaline from the weekend had worn off. I was exhausted.

A couple sitting next to me on the plane, asked why I was visiting Guatemala? I quickly shared my short version of the story. Stunned at the news of my diagnosis they said, "Well you seem to be handling everything well. You look really great." I smiled, said thank you. We spoke for a few moments and I placed in my headphones in, hoping to politely excuse myself for a nap. Soon after I fell asleep. 

I woke up just before landing in Houston, finding myself with a to do list that seemed a mile long. I was anxious for the future and the pending appointments that needed to be made. Somehow wishing I could return back to where my cell phone did not work and cancer did not seem on the forefront of my brain. 

Upon landing in Houston, I quickly turned on my phone. I needed to reach the fertility doctor before they closed and as I powered on my phone I found my tears began to fall. I spoke to my parents, asking if they had arranged anything with my doctors and as I awaited my dads response I began to cry harder...... 

My brain began painting the picture of my current reality, my mom and dad still in Colorado and me sitting on the Tarmac in Houston one hour before doctors offices closed in Denver. Tomorrow the four week clock starts to complete egg harvesting and the first week of January I will begin chemotherapy. Not to mention my mom and dad leave tomorrow. I looked out the window, hoping nobody would see my tears. As I stared outside, the couple to my left said, "Well we wish you the very best with everything. It was nice to meet you." Turning my head I looked at this stranger and my obvious tears were visible for them to see. His wife, leaning in asked if I had people in Colorado to help with everything.  I, barely able to answer,  said "Yes I do. Just so many moving parts, you know?". (of course how could they know.... they do not).

I wiped my tears before they fell to my chest and tried to pull myself together. Embarrassed and scared I desperately wanted the plane to deboard so I could find the nearest bathroom to lock myself in. Before meeting up with other guests of the wedding that were as well on my plane, I found that bathroom and cleaned up my tears. A few of the others asked if I was able to rest on the plane but nobody made mention of my puffy eyes or my aching heart. I thought to myself "you hid that well, Kristina, good job."

I share this story because today I cannot seem to get it out of my mind. How it is that without any warning I am so overcome with emotion that I cannot seem to stop crying..... This weekend was beautiful, magical really and something I will cherish for the rest of my life. It gave me forty eight hours to forget about cancer. To be surrounded by some of my oldest, best friends and to pretend for a while that I am well. 

Saturday, the day of the wedding us girls woke up and I had the joy of surprising other wedding guests. Stephanie's father looked at me as though he saw a ghost. He later apologised saying that he knew it was me, but he didn't know how it could be me, so who was it? 

We spent the day getting ready, gamecasting the Louisville vs. Kentucky football game, drinking mimosas and getting primped for the 5:30 pm wedding.

You will notice that I am the only one in the wedding that chose to wear my hair down. I wanted to feel my hair rest on my shoulder for the last time before it falls out. I wanted to look like me, as best I could. So much of me feels different, out of control, hurting, aching and just different, so it was important to me that on her day and in photos, I was the me that I have always been.

The wedding day was beautiful and full of so much joy. We danced, we laughed and most importantly spent time together. On Sunday, I woke up and joined my high school friends at the market before they had to catch their flight. The rest of the day I explored the city rested in the sun before attending the evening farewell event. Sunday evening was extra special because most of our friends had departed and Stephanie and I were able to spend one on one time together. We visited our favorite wine bar, laughed, cried and ate wedding cake.

I am so glad I got to celebrate her forever. Her wedding. Her future because, "I am not so sure of forevers now. Nothing feels certain". (Geralyn Lucas). I could not agree with this more....

Today I am home in my bed. My parents are on their way to my house and I have two appointments this afternoon. First the diagnostic work for the fertility preservation and then my weekly plastic surgeon saline fill. 

As tears continue to fall. As I try and embrace what this month and Christmas is all about with fear and trembling, your continued prayers are appreciated. This is the hardest path I have yet to walk and I am learning to be a good actress. 

So forgive me or others that you cross paths with that begin to cry next to you..... know that all that they really want to know is that their tears are warranted. That is ok to cry. The persistent "You're going to be fine" is often the worst thing to hear in times like this. Sometimes I want others to acknowledge that they are scared and sad for me too, then it doesn't make me feel so alone.

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone. Below are some of my favorite wedding pictures:

Trying on my dress in Denver, with my passport.

Wedding day, the four of us. 

Brittany and I with the ruins in the background.

Waiting to take photos.

All of us with Arturo!

Me and the groom!

My second parents and I outside of the wedding.

Christie Lee and I walking to the market Sunday morning.

Sunday afternoon exploring old ruins.

Sometimes you really do just have to show up. Surprising In Guatemala

Written while in Denver airport: (forgive my errors, this was from my phone). Soon more pictures.

Wednesday evening my parents and I left my appointment. I held my head high, diplomatically discussed my options about treatment until I gazed down at my phone and I was bombarded with posts of my best friends in Guatemala celebrating Stephanie's upcoming wedding. The tears began to fall. How is it that I sit here learning whether I will undergo chemotherapy? or how Likely it is my Cancer to return? And I am not  there..... I should be there. I hate this. I thought. I don't want to be here. My head aches and my heart throbbed.

My parents and I sat at a Restaurant where I leaned in to the side of my dad at the booth, as I desperately wanted to have someone hold me, draw me close and like a father should, make everything go away.

I laid on his shoulder and cried. We sat in silence. 

I made myself pick something to eat although it was last thing I wanted to do. We got to our hotel and continuing discussing everything we had learned at the doctor. I finally pleaded at my parents. "And now now... Barely able to utter the words It is killing me, that I cannot be at Stephanie's wedding Saturday" and I began to cry harder as my mom held me. In silence my parents agreed. This sucks. 

That evening I slept surprisingly well, my emotions at a high, my slumber just seemed to come easy. I awoke and I had received messages from my parents. Asking if I was awake? (Sent at 5:39 am). I received a different message saying happy thanksgiving. Not thinking much of it.

I let them know I was making coffee and was going to write on my blog (yesterday's medical post).
My dad calls me and says I need to check my email, that my mom had sent me something. Again not suspecting much, my parents often share others wells wishes with me by forwarding messages.... I opened the email. To my utter shock I began to read what was a flight confirmation to Guatemala City. Leaving the next day Tomorrow.

Without being able to utter a sound I burst into tears and shouted oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! My dad in tears through the phone said. I did it last night. I couldn't help but be awake all night knowing how upset you were that you were missing the wedding so I decided to look at flights. Your mom and I have been awake all night and couldn't wait for you to wake up. We think you are well enough to travel and come back Monday.

As you can imagine I cried and shouted and am still in shock.

Right now I am sitting in the Denver airport waiting to board my flight to Houston. From there I go to Guatemala City. 

Yesterday I arranged for a private driver to take me to Antiqua so I can drop my luggage at her hotel and walk in on the cocktail rehearsal. (I have all the details from my original itinerary).  I can barely type this without crying thinking about seeing my best friends face. Having no idea I am on my.Yesterday my mom helped me try on my bridesmaid dress that I had already dry cleaned) and in a plastic bag. Scared it would not fit because of my surgery, we were fully prepared to go to Macy's at midnight should need. (Lucky for us today is Black Friday). I told my mom I didn't care if I wore a sheet. I just wanted to be there. But alas my dress fit perfectly. 

So you can imagine my excitement. This morning my mom was my salon, stylist plucking my eyebrows and painting my nails while I made sure I had everything I needed.

Pickup writing in Houston:

I just looked at some more pictures that the girls have taken from today. I can't even look at them without a grin. Last night I told Stephanie's mom via text, so she was aware that I am coming. Just in case I am delayed or I had trouble with transportation. Her messages in response made me Cry. Happy tears of course.

I leave here in two hours. I am feeling a bit drowsy and tired so am going to rest my feet for a bit. I have carried on my bag only so that as soon as I land I can head straight for customs and meet my driver to arrive in Guatemala. I just want to scream in excitement :)

A funny tidbit, Stephanie had sent me my bridesmaid present to open tonight (while they open there gifts in Guatemala). Well I decided I would open mine yesterday so I could pack it with me. I am sending her a picture right now of me opening it. Saying thank you and that I love it. Of course she will think the picture is taken right now. Me in my basement :) hehehe if she only knew.I am on my plane leaving now.... Finally. A slight delay and I thought I would jump through the cockpit and tell them we have to go now because I am surprising my friends. Praying for a quicker flight :) and speedy customs. As well that my driver is prompt and out waiting for me.

Writing this morning:I just woke up next to Stephanie. and wished her a happy wedding day.  When I landed in Guatemala City I ran through the airport (best I could). I was one of the first through customs. Once I found my driver I got in his car explained the occasion. He said he would drive faster than normal. In true nascar fashion, I arrived in 20 minutes instead of the 45 minutes. The driver unable to pull in front of the hotel said I am sorry miss you must walk. I said it's ok and darted off. 

Upon walking in the hotel Stephanie's mom, the Holloways and Christie Lee's parents were standing there. We screamed and cried. Sheri said Stephanie is in her room so she would take me up there. I stayed back behind her, and waited behind this pole. Sheri said Stephanie come out I have something to show you. As she walked closely, I came around the corner and without words we both just hugged and cried. A few oh my gosh but mostly tears. 

From there I walked to the room where my friends from high school are staying. They opened the door and looked at Stephanie and noticed me standing behind her. Then words of oh my gosh and I can't believe you're here. I cried and said I know .... me too.

I am going to stop there because I need to shower because I have a wedding to get ready for. Prayers for a day of feeling well (even if I watch from the dance floor) and for just being present here..... 

Sometimes you just really do have to show up. 

Love Kristina 

x

Finding thanks in the news you did not want to hear

Thanksgiving, a tradition that looks different for my family today....

Yesterday, I received the news that I did not want to hear. As so many of you have been praying, and sending your love... please know that I am still grateful. 

I just may need your support for a bit longer.

My test came back at, number 24. Devised by taking a specific look at the genes in my tumor, the number indicates my chance of recurrence and aggressiveness of the cancer. This number placed me in the intermediate range.

I have been recommended to undergo chemotherapy. Four rounds, of a low dose starting in January, to be finished by March. (assuming I respond well). I will loose my hair and could undergo early menopause. But overall my doctor predicts I will respond well to the treatment and the long term affects on my body would be minimal. 

If I had fallen below the number 20 (low range) studies indicate I would not benefit from chemotherapy at all. Had I fallen in the high range (30+) studies indicate that I would absolutely benefit from chemotherapy.  But I fell in the middle....

Statistically, by taking tamoxifen for the next five years (drug to reduce chance of recurrence) and not undergo chemotherapy,  I have a 15% chance of my cancer returning. By undergoing chemotherapy, in addition to tamoxifen, I can reduce that number to 9%.

At this time I have chosen to move forward with chemotherapy. In tears I told the doctor, I have so much life ahead of me. (I just turned 27).  I don't want this to return. I want to do everything I can to make sure that it does not. She without telling me I absolutely had to do something, strongly recommended that chemotherapy would be the best choice.

As you can imagine this is a bigger decision than to succumb to a few words, so forgive me for my bluntness. Throughout our appointment, looking at my results and discussing options my heart rested in one place. I asked the doctor if there were holistic things I could be doing, or life changes I could make but nothing was able to guarantee that my cancer would be gone forever. She admired my question, knowing it came from the heart but there was nothing she could say to erase the reality. 

So this thanksgiving I am seeking gratefulness. That I get to chose about my future. That the cancer is gone and medicine is available to make certain it doesn't comes back. I am grateful that God loves me in this brokenness and that he has fastened my heart so delicately that it is like no other.

Thank you for reading. For praying and helping me be grateful, even though this news was not what I had hoped for. I am heartbroken and disappointed. For moments, I thought this journey might be coming to a soon end, it appears it is still just beginning. 

My parents are here in Colorado and we will spend Thanksgiving together with our long time family friends. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. 

My hope for tommorow

Last Saturday,  I was to be on a plane heading to Antigua, Guatemala for the week. My best friend since I can remember is getting married to the love of her life this coming Saturday. Friends since middle school, we have a decade plus of memories. Stephanie and I share a unique bond because while I lived in Honduras we had the joy of being central american neighbors. (she lives in Guatemala permanently and teaches fourth grade). The trip planned months ago was one that I looked forward too. A return to a part of the world that I hold dear and a wedding sure to be beautiful.

One month ago I cancelled that flight.

Sunday evening while resting, my computer alerted me of an incoming Skype video call. I answered and smiled at the screen as three of my dear friends, sitting together in Guatemala City enthusiastically said "Hi!" through the computer screen. As though we were together. For the first few moments it made me feel like I was not so far away. I smiled and fought back the tears.

I told myself don't cry. It's not their fault you are not there. They are sad too. This head talk I gave myself only made it worse. Shortly after my mom took over the conversation, while I left the room and lowered my head to tears. I allowed my tears to fall in the bathroom so they could not hear me.... and they could not see. I looked in the mirror as water filled up my big brown eyes and I was just short of screaming.... When your best friend gets married, you show up. You wear the dress in the color she requested and walk down the aisle to stand at her side. That is what you do. But this time I don't get too. Sure, I have a travel voucher now that I must redeem before August. Which means a fun trip abroad to plan, but when its not the trip you wanted, the joy of planning some place to go in exchange loses its value. The truth of the matter is that I am missing her wedding day.

The hardest part of cancer is it has wreaked so much of who I thought I was. The type A, on time planner was put on the shelf with this diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was not given instructions. There is no manual to doing this. There is no warning of when I will break down in tears. There are no guarantees. Doctors can't give me a checklist to ensure I heal properly. My emotions ebb and flow just as the wind blows and my attempts at normalcy seemed to be knocked down in the tidal wave of the unknown.

Tomorrow I will find out my test result regarding my tumor. I will learn whether I have to undergo chemotherapy. Whether I have to start the egg harvesting process. Whether I will loose my hair.

Today I am afraid. Today I am sad. Today I don't know how to do this.

And today I have learned why loving Jesus and choosing to follow him is the hardest. Because you have to believe when you don't want to. And you have to trust. You have to admit that you are not the one writing the story but someone else is.

If you're praying for me, or lifting me up in your thoughts regarding tommorow, my hope is not for a specific result, but that I have peace in whatever the result is. That I rejoice in Thanksgiving on Thursday regardless of what I find out tomorrow. If you could do that for me. Rather than try and control the outcome, help me choose how I respond to the outcome.

My dad lands this afternoon and as the little girl that has always been told I look just like my dad I cannot wait for him to arrive.

Surely we have reason to give great thanks this holiday.... regardless of the outcome.

Below are some pictures of Stephanie (the one getting married this weekend). One from a very long time ago and two from our time in Antigua together two years ago. The beautiful cobblestone streets will be where she will take her wedding photos this weekend.

Sophomore year of high school I think before the dance. 

Stephanie and I, in Antiqua two years ago this Thanksgiving. 

When we both called Central America Home.

Stephanie and I outside of Antigua after we climbed the Volcano. 

How I wish I were to be there this weekend to do this all over again.

I am getting ready for a "fill up" this afternoon and then to pick up my dad. Will write soon. Thank you again.

Showing up without permission

The cancer phone call was just as shocking as the cancer free phone call. I barely had time to process that I had cancer before they told me the cancer was gone.

The beautiful gift of cancer is it gives you perspective. Perspective to look back at what has been and a chance to look forward to what will be. What will my life be lived for? How do I want to embrace others? How will I live beyond this?

After my surgery I was asked to be the subject in a memoir. The person asking was a boy, a sophomore in high school who I had the privilege of being the nanny for when when he was ten years old. He brought me to tears by simply asking the question. I replied yes. What an honor I thought. Why me? Just days after he asked, he sent me his first draft. He provided a disclaimer "Enjoy". I smiled. Enjoy? How could I not? You are choosing to honor me by writing about me..... enjoy is the very least thing I could do.

His words..... his retelling of the time I spent one summer with him and his sister. His retelling of moments I do not remember, only brought on the flood gates..... humbled in my tears he concluded his paper with these words, "Kristina gave me the greatest gift anyone can get: SHE BELIEVED IN ME."

I do not share this with you to boast, but only to highlight something that walking through cancer has taught me. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to people is to simply show up and to believe in others.

This is what you have done for me. Your continued words, the meals, the hugs, the messages, the phone calls give me no other reason than to fight. They give me every reason to believe this has got to be something good. That God is moving and working in the lives of everyone always.

Monday, I celebrated my twenty seventh birthday. In the company of fifteen of my closest friends in Colorado, we shared a meal. One of my favorite things to do. Hosted at my best friend from colleges house, my roommate and her boyfriend (self taught gourmet chefs) prepared a delicious Michelin star worthy meal. A roast placed on a bed of polenta, roasted butternut squash, fresh bread and bacon potato soup. The meal was contributed to by a dear friend (former roommate) Katie and appetizers provided by my cousin, his wife and Sidney my current roommate. The meal labored in love was a meal I will forever remember. We stood in a circle, Jameson prayed as tears fell down my cheeks. He offered, Thanksgiving for the people in the room, for the meal set before us and for the cancer free me. Following our prayer a toast was given in my honor. "Kristina you have had the grace of Audrey Hepburn and the strength of Athena. I have watched you come out of this with even more grace and beauty than before."

From the depth of my heart, I say thank you. For all of you walking in this with me. For giving me the boost to walk into the doctor every week with a smile on my face. To do what I never imagined being able to do. But, for more than anything being vulnerable and honest. For drawing close to my story when it would have been much easier to walk away. For sharing your time, your energy and your truth.

Just last weekend Kylie, my dear friend who I lived with in Honduras flew in from Austin. Without so much as a question she booked a flight. Just to be here with me. With no expectation to see Colorado, but to just sit at my side. Help me get dressed. Comb and blow dry my hair.

Sometimes people just need you to show up. Thank you Kylie for doing that. For knowing what I needed even when I wasn't sure what I needed myself.

My sister as well joined in for the weekend, so we could delight in her growing baby bump, the future of her family and all that has happened in the past few weeks. It was a really great weekend.

My hope for each of you reading is that you continue to do what you have done for me, for others. May you have the courage to draw close to others when they need it most.

Cancer doesn't have to happen for you to do that. Being alive demands that we do that.

This morning I am sitting in a hotel in Vail, Colorado looking out at the snow covered mountains. My mom drove me up here for a change of scenery. Some fresh mountain air. I hope to get in some reading and some rest. I continue to focus on healing.

I have an important update. My follow up appointment regarding my tumor has been moved to Wednesday, November 26. The day before Thanksgiving. Regardless of the outcome, regardless of chemo or no chemo. I will continue to choose Thanksgiving for all that has happened.

Have a really wonderful Friday everyone.

Kylie pushing me at the mall.

My sister and me.

Candice and TJ preparing birthday dinner. Thank you Erin for the party hats.

Erin and I at my birthday dinner.

Homemade chocolate cake prepared especially for me by Meghan Beans.

I sent cupcakes to my office on my birthday. A small role I play in the office is coordinating birthday cakes for office celebrations. In lieu of my absence and to express my gratitude for all that they have done while I am away recovering I wanted them to celebrate my birthday for me. This was the picture they took. Thank you Baceline!

Driving up to Vail yesterday.

Mom and I eating lunch at the base of the mountain, before we retreated to our hotel room. 

Medical Update. Cancer Healing

Yesterday was two weeks out...

I am awake early this morning (in my house) mostly because sleeping is difficult. At this time in my recovery, I am working weekly with the plastic surgeon through expansion. At the time of my surgery once all breast tissue was removed, my plastic surgeon placed two "space holders" (expanders) in my breasts. These space holders will remain for 3-4 months/ potentially longer should chemotherapy be deemed necessary. Every Tuesday I go in, and he via needle inserts more saline into the expander. This process is used to expand my skin and muscle to later prepare for an implant. I had been told this process would be the most painful and turns out it is. 

I have tried to describe what it feels like but have had trouble finding the words. Some days it is as though someone took saran wrap and wrapped you up in it tight and is pulling from behind you. Other days as my doctor says, "it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest". Either way it hurts and I don't like it.

For the most part, this process continues to go well. My doctor continues to compliment me on my progress, how well my skin looks and how well I am healing. I attribute this to the 80/20 vegan diet and drinking tons of water. The alkaline rich vegetables and eliminating all hormone induced dairy/meats insures my body is getting nutrient dense foods to heal.  Many friends have complimented my skin and how good it looks...... my first reaction is to say it is the food I have been eating..... but then i remember I have only showered about three times in two weeks and put on makeup once. (surely that helps the pores a little bit). :)

Overall, things are progressing above schedule. My original four drains have now all been removed. (quicker than the predicted 3-4 weeks they advised). The fluid that my body was riding off will now be absorbed naturally, so drinking lots of water is a must to keep this happening.  Hooray for no more drains, tubes, or feeling like an octopus!!!

The only downside to the expansion process occurs when I am in the doctors office. Last Tuesday, I made sure to close my eyes as he placed the needle on my chest and inserted saline. It is an uncomfortable feeling but nothing I cannot bare. Moments after they were finished with the "fill up" I began to feel light headed. I spoke up to my doctor and they quickly got me on a monitor. My blood pressure had dropped and I was certain I was to faint. I took many deep breaths closed my eyes as my mom held my left hand and my doctor came around and held my right. Fortunately, after staying in the doctors office for an hour or so, some sprite and graham crackers I was feeling much better. 

As for this Tuesday, the story was not much different. I went in at 9 am for my expansion and immediately following I had a follow up appointment at the hospital with my breast surgeon, Dr. Moore. I arrived at the hospital and was brought back to see her. As we discussed my healing and how often I will be seeing her moving forward the room began to spin. I apologized for interrupting and said I am sorry I am afraid I may faint. She quickly had me lay back. 

I am not sure if I need to be eating more before these visits (my breakfasts these days are typically small) or if it is just the pressure from the saline fill, but for whatever reason my body is not handling this process well.

For the days in between appointments I am focusing on healing, resting, watching Scandal and reading. My tumor as previously mentioned has been sent off for the Oncotype DX Test. This test result determines the following:

• To help doctors figure out a woman’s risk of early-stage, estrogen-receptor-positive breast cancer coming back (recurrence), as well as how likely she is to benefit from chemotherapy after breast cancer surgery.
• To help doctors figure out a woman’s risk of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) coming back (recurrence) and/or the risk of a new invasive cancer developing in the same breast,

I have a follow up appointment scheduled for December 4. I am hoping this result is something I can find out over the phone but at this time am not sure.

In regarding the fertility preservation I have received all of my fertility medicines in advance. I got a giant package that includes all shots and medicines necessary to begin the egg harvesting process. I am holding on to them at this time. Until I know for certain I will undergo chemotherapy, I keep these refrigerated for hopefully to put in the trash can :) (meaning I do not need chemo, therefore no fertility medicine).

I apologise for my delayed writing, I do want to share about how I spent my birthday and my weekend with my sister and dear friend from Austin, Kylie who came to visit. I will be doing this hopefully later today. As well as an update on how I am. This post I call a business post, an update on the medical side. As many of you know the medical side does not necessarily correlate with my emotional side.

I am heading to my first physical therapy appointment this morning and from there, my mom and I are are driving to Vail. What better place to recover and look at the mountains than in Vail.  Just for one night but we are looking forward to it.

Thank you again for following. If any of you have specific questions regarding my healing, procedure sand my doctors please feel free to send me an email. I would be more than happy to answer those if I can... kmschermer@gmail.com

Have a great Thursday everyone.

Here are some photos I have not yet shared.... throw back thursday if you will.

Meagan and I the morning after my surgery.

My marking indicating breast cancer side, the morning before my surgery.

Me the night after I was released from surgery.