Celebrating Stephanies forever when I have trouble believing in my own

This morning I know I need to write about the wedding weekend but all I can think about is what happened yesterday on my plane ride from Guatemala to Houston.

I boarded the flight and found my seat next to the window. I rested my head soon after boarding, struggling to get comfortable. The previous evening I did not sleep well and I could tell the adrenaline from the weekend had worn off. I was exhausted.

A couple sitting next to me on the plane, asked why I was visiting Guatemala? I quickly shared my short version of the story. Stunned at the news of my diagnosis they said, "Well you seem to be handling everything well. You look really great." I smiled, said thank you. We spoke for a few moments and I placed in my headphones in, hoping to politely excuse myself for a nap. Soon after I fell asleep. 

I woke up just before landing in Houston, finding myself with a to do list that seemed a mile long. I was anxious for the future and the pending appointments that needed to be made. Somehow wishing I could return back to where my cell phone did not work and cancer did not seem on the forefront of my brain. 

Upon landing in Houston, I quickly turned on my phone. I needed to reach the fertility doctor before they closed and as I powered on my phone I found my tears began to fall. I spoke to my parents, asking if they had arranged anything with my doctors and as I awaited my dads response I began to cry harder...... 

My brain began painting the picture of my current reality, my mom and dad still in Colorado and me sitting on the Tarmac in Houston one hour before doctors offices closed in Denver. Tomorrow the four week clock starts to complete egg harvesting and the first week of January I will begin chemotherapy. Not to mention my mom and dad leave tomorrow. I looked out the window, hoping nobody would see my tears. As I stared outside, the couple to my left said, "Well we wish you the very best with everything. It was nice to meet you." Turning my head I looked at this stranger and my obvious tears were visible for them to see. His wife, leaning in asked if I had people in Colorado to help with everything.  I, barely able to answer,  said "Yes I do. Just so many moving parts, you know?". (of course how could they know.... they do not).

I wiped my tears before they fell to my chest and tried to pull myself together. Embarrassed and scared I desperately wanted the plane to deboard so I could find the nearest bathroom to lock myself in. Before meeting up with other guests of the wedding that were as well on my plane, I found that bathroom and cleaned up my tears. A few of the others asked if I was able to rest on the plane but nobody made mention of my puffy eyes or my aching heart. I thought to myself "you hid that well, Kristina, good job."

I share this story because today I cannot seem to get it out of my mind. How it is that without any warning I am so overcome with emotion that I cannot seem to stop crying..... This weekend was beautiful, magical really and something I will cherish for the rest of my life. It gave me forty eight hours to forget about cancer. To be surrounded by some of my oldest, best friends and to pretend for a while that I am well. 

Saturday, the day of the wedding us girls woke up and I had the joy of surprising other wedding guests. Stephanie's father looked at me as though he saw a ghost. He later apologised saying that he knew it was me, but he didn't know how it could be me, so who was it? 

We spent the day getting ready, gamecasting the Louisville vs. Kentucky football game, drinking mimosas and getting primped for the 5:30 pm wedding.

You will notice that I am the only one in the wedding that chose to wear my hair down. I wanted to feel my hair rest on my shoulder for the last time before it falls out. I wanted to look like me, as best I could. So much of me feels different, out of control, hurting, aching and just different, so it was important to me that on her day and in photos, I was the me that I have always been.

The wedding day was beautiful and full of so much joy. We danced, we laughed and most importantly spent time together. On Sunday, I woke up and joined my high school friends at the market before they had to catch their flight. The rest of the day I explored the city rested in the sun before attending the evening farewell event. Sunday evening was extra special because most of our friends had departed and Stephanie and I were able to spend one on one time together. We visited our favorite wine bar, laughed, cried and ate wedding cake.

I am so glad I got to celebrate her forever. Her wedding. Her future because, "I am not so sure of forevers now. Nothing feels certain". (Geralyn Lucas). I could not agree with this more....

Today I am home in my bed. My parents are on their way to my house and I have two appointments this afternoon. First the diagnostic work for the fertility preservation and then my weekly plastic surgeon saline fill. 

As tears continue to fall. As I try and embrace what this month and Christmas is all about with fear and trembling, your continued prayers are appreciated. This is the hardest path I have yet to walk and I am learning to be a good actress. 

So forgive me or others that you cross paths with that begin to cry next to you..... know that all that they really want to know is that their tears are warranted. That is ok to cry. The persistent "You're going to be fine" is often the worst thing to hear in times like this. Sometimes I want others to acknowledge that they are scared and sad for me too, then it doesn't make me feel so alone.

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone. Below are some of my favorite wedding pictures:

Trying on my dress in Denver, with my passport.

Wedding day, the four of us. 

Brittany and I with the ruins in the background.

Waiting to take photos.

All of us with Arturo!

Me and the groom!

My second parents and I outside of the wedding.

Christie Lee and I walking to the market Sunday morning.

Sunday afternoon exploring old ruins.

Sometimes you really do just have to show up. Surprising In Guatemala

Written while in Denver airport: (forgive my errors, this was from my phone). Soon more pictures.

Wednesday evening my parents and I left my appointment. I held my head high, diplomatically discussed my options about treatment until I gazed down at my phone and I was bombarded with posts of my best friends in Guatemala celebrating Stephanie's upcoming wedding. The tears began to fall. How is it that I sit here learning whether I will undergo chemotherapy? or how Likely it is my Cancer to return? And I am not  there..... I should be there. I hate this. I thought. I don't want to be here. My head aches and my heart throbbed.

My parents and I sat at a Restaurant where I leaned in to the side of my dad at the booth, as I desperately wanted to have someone hold me, draw me close and like a father should, make everything go away.

I laid on his shoulder and cried. We sat in silence. 

I made myself pick something to eat although it was last thing I wanted to do. We got to our hotel and continuing discussing everything we had learned at the doctor. I finally pleaded at my parents. "And now now... Barely able to utter the words It is killing me, that I cannot be at Stephanie's wedding Saturday" and I began to cry harder as my mom held me. In silence my parents agreed. This sucks. 

That evening I slept surprisingly well, my emotions at a high, my slumber just seemed to come easy. I awoke and I had received messages from my parents. Asking if I was awake? (Sent at 5:39 am). I received a different message saying happy thanksgiving. Not thinking much of it.

I let them know I was making coffee and was going to write on my blog (yesterday's medical post).
My dad calls me and says I need to check my email, that my mom had sent me something. Again not suspecting much, my parents often share others wells wishes with me by forwarding messages.... I opened the email. To my utter shock I began to read what was a flight confirmation to Guatemala City. Leaving the next day Tomorrow.

Without being able to utter a sound I burst into tears and shouted oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! My dad in tears through the phone said. I did it last night. I couldn't help but be awake all night knowing how upset you were that you were missing the wedding so I decided to look at flights. Your mom and I have been awake all night and couldn't wait for you to wake up. We think you are well enough to travel and come back Monday.

As you can imagine I cried and shouted and am still in shock.

Right now I am sitting in the Denver airport waiting to board my flight to Houston. From there I go to Guatemala City. 

Yesterday I arranged for a private driver to take me to Antiqua so I can drop my luggage at her hotel and walk in on the cocktail rehearsal. (I have all the details from my original itinerary).  I can barely type this without crying thinking about seeing my best friends face. Having no idea I am on my.Yesterday my mom helped me try on my bridesmaid dress that I had already dry cleaned) and in a plastic bag. Scared it would not fit because of my surgery, we were fully prepared to go to Macy's at midnight should need. (Lucky for us today is Black Friday). I told my mom I didn't care if I wore a sheet. I just wanted to be there. But alas my dress fit perfectly. 

So you can imagine my excitement. This morning my mom was my salon, stylist plucking my eyebrows and painting my nails while I made sure I had everything I needed.

Pickup writing in Houston:

I just looked at some more pictures that the girls have taken from today. I can't even look at them without a grin. Last night I told Stephanie's mom via text, so she was aware that I am coming. Just in case I am delayed or I had trouble with transportation. Her messages in response made me Cry. Happy tears of course.

I leave here in two hours. I am feeling a bit drowsy and tired so am going to rest my feet for a bit. I have carried on my bag only so that as soon as I land I can head straight for customs and meet my driver to arrive in Guatemala. I just want to scream in excitement :)

A funny tidbit, Stephanie had sent me my bridesmaid present to open tonight (while they open there gifts in Guatemala). Well I decided I would open mine yesterday so I could pack it with me. I am sending her a picture right now of me opening it. Saying thank you and that I love it. Of course she will think the picture is taken right now. Me in my basement :) hehehe if she only knew.I am on my plane leaving now.... Finally. A slight delay and I thought I would jump through the cockpit and tell them we have to go now because I am surprising my friends. Praying for a quicker flight :) and speedy customs. As well that my driver is prompt and out waiting for me.

Writing this morning:I just woke up next to Stephanie. and wished her a happy wedding day.  When I landed in Guatemala City I ran through the airport (best I could). I was one of the first through customs. Once I found my driver I got in his car explained the occasion. He said he would drive faster than normal. In true nascar fashion, I arrived in 20 minutes instead of the 45 minutes. The driver unable to pull in front of the hotel said I am sorry miss you must walk. I said it's ok and darted off. 

Upon walking in the hotel Stephanie's mom, the Holloways and Christie Lee's parents were standing there. We screamed and cried. Sheri said Stephanie is in her room so she would take me up there. I stayed back behind her, and waited behind this pole. Sheri said Stephanie come out I have something to show you. As she walked closely, I came around the corner and without words we both just hugged and cried. A few oh my gosh but mostly tears. 

From there I walked to the room where my friends from high school are staying. They opened the door and looked at Stephanie and noticed me standing behind her. Then words of oh my gosh and I can't believe you're here. I cried and said I know .... me too.

I am going to stop there because I need to shower because I have a wedding to get ready for. Prayers for a day of feeling well (even if I watch from the dance floor) and for just being present here..... 

Sometimes you just really do have to show up. 

Love Kristina 

x

My hope for tommorow

Last Saturday,  I was to be on a plane heading to Antigua, Guatemala for the week. My best friend since I can remember is getting married to the love of her life this coming Saturday. Friends since middle school, we have a decade plus of memories. Stephanie and I share a unique bond because while I lived in Honduras we had the joy of being central american neighbors. (she lives in Guatemala permanently and teaches fourth grade). The trip planned months ago was one that I looked forward too. A return to a part of the world that I hold dear and a wedding sure to be beautiful.

One month ago I cancelled that flight.

Sunday evening while resting, my computer alerted me of an incoming Skype video call. I answered and smiled at the screen as three of my dear friends, sitting together in Guatemala City enthusiastically said "Hi!" through the computer screen. As though we were together. For the first few moments it made me feel like I was not so far away. I smiled and fought back the tears.

I told myself don't cry. It's not their fault you are not there. They are sad too. This head talk I gave myself only made it worse. Shortly after my mom took over the conversation, while I left the room and lowered my head to tears. I allowed my tears to fall in the bathroom so they could not hear me.... and they could not see. I looked in the mirror as water filled up my big brown eyes and I was just short of screaming.... When your best friend gets married, you show up. You wear the dress in the color she requested and walk down the aisle to stand at her side. That is what you do. But this time I don't get too. Sure, I have a travel voucher now that I must redeem before August. Which means a fun trip abroad to plan, but when its not the trip you wanted, the joy of planning some place to go in exchange loses its value. The truth of the matter is that I am missing her wedding day.

The hardest part of cancer is it has wreaked so much of who I thought I was. The type A, on time planner was put on the shelf with this diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with cancer I was not given instructions. There is no manual to doing this. There is no warning of when I will break down in tears. There are no guarantees. Doctors can't give me a checklist to ensure I heal properly. My emotions ebb and flow just as the wind blows and my attempts at normalcy seemed to be knocked down in the tidal wave of the unknown.

Tomorrow I will find out my test result regarding my tumor. I will learn whether I have to undergo chemotherapy. Whether I have to start the egg harvesting process. Whether I will loose my hair.

Today I am afraid. Today I am sad. Today I don't know how to do this.

And today I have learned why loving Jesus and choosing to follow him is the hardest. Because you have to believe when you don't want to. And you have to trust. You have to admit that you are not the one writing the story but someone else is.

If you're praying for me, or lifting me up in your thoughts regarding tommorow, my hope is not for a specific result, but that I have peace in whatever the result is. That I rejoice in Thanksgiving on Thursday regardless of what I find out tomorrow. If you could do that for me. Rather than try and control the outcome, help me choose how I respond to the outcome.

My dad lands this afternoon and as the little girl that has always been told I look just like my dad I cannot wait for him to arrive.

Surely we have reason to give great thanks this holiday.... regardless of the outcome.

Below are some pictures of Stephanie (the one getting married this weekend). One from a very long time ago and two from our time in Antigua together two years ago. The beautiful cobblestone streets will be where she will take her wedding photos this weekend.

Sophomore year of high school I think before the dance. 

Stephanie and I, in Antiqua two years ago this Thanksgiving. 

When we both called Central America Home.

Stephanie and I outside of Antigua after we climbed the Volcano. 

How I wish I were to be there this weekend to do this all over again.

I am getting ready for a "fill up" this afternoon and then to pick up my dad. Will write soon. Thank you again.

Been a while... Weekend in Rio Dulce, Guatemala

Back in Pena Blanca after a memorable weekend spent in Guatemala. Rio Dulce is a town nestled on the river thats opens to the Caribbean.  It is a beautiful town, filled with sail boats, local fisherman and fancy yachts that have made there way South...... Guatemala as you are already aware is one of my favorite countries and once again this weekend it lived up to its expectations.... Here is a map....

You can see how is it nestled just on the border of Belize, Guatemala and Honduras.... 

With our visa run trips, we must be out of Honduras for a minimum of 2 days to be able to renew our 90 day Visa so these trips although are a chance to explore a new town, in all reality the sole purpose is to get our new visas.....

Friday afternoon we departed after school for our 6 hour + journey. Windy roads got the best of my roommate and she rode most of the way with her head out the window.... As we approached the border we saw a long line of eighteen wheeler trucks parked on the side of the road. We bypassed them to reach the border and quickly learned that the border crossing for vehicles closes at 6:00 pm. It was 6:30 pm.

Instead of driving over the border, we instead walked over the border. 12 of us jumped out of the car, grabbed our bags and were told that we would abandon our bus, and our bus driver would drive the bus over in the morning (He would sleep in it). At the other side we were told that we would find a bus to take us the rest of the way once we got to the Guatemala side. So ladies and gentlemen this is what we did. It honestly sounds more adventurous than it was. In no time we were in a new van on our way to Rio Dulce and at our hostel. Passports were stamped.

The rest of our weekend was spent relaxing at the Backpacker hostel right on the water. We hired a lancha for the day to take us down the river to the town of Livingston. Our early morning began on the boat with wine and beer in tow. The sun came out and it was a beautiful day on the water. While stopping off in Livingston to eat, drink and shop we ordered a plate of nachos....... See the picture below for proof but they brought us a plate of doritos (Red kind) covered in like cheesy sauce. (Not what we thought we were ordering). We had cocktails while watching a rugby match between Wales and England on a computer streaming with some English guys staying on a sail boat docked out from the shore. It was the perfect day.

Sunday morning we departed early for home, Honduras, and were home early. This week is a short one at school. Three days of classes (now only two left) and one day of Science Fair, Thursday. Friday we do not have school because Honduras is playing Mexico in Futbol so our Spring Break is starting a bit early. We are off all next week for Holy Week/Semana Santa/Spring Break.

Wednesday is family dinner. Thursday is Jasons last night fiesta at the D and D Hostel Brewery nearby.  Friday pack and clean for Spring Break, get nails done for $2.00 next to our house and then Saturday depart for Spring Break.

So for now enjoy some pictures below from the weekend..... as well I am one happy girl with my Louisville Cardinals being the number 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament and knowing that I will get to watch basketball on the island during Spring Break..... My kids today completed a bracket. If the name had Mexico in it and or was Flordia or Miami they picked them. However for the final matchup my kids chose Louisville vs. Oklahoma (no idea why??? well I know why they chose Louisville :)). Overall winner according to my second grade glass....... LOUISVILLE! I have brainwashed them good :)

It was really hot today, my kids were a bit loud, rowdy and I was just not geared up for the day. Needless to say the day came and went..... now if only the week would move a bit quicker... Spring Break is on the horizon and I anticipating.... Enjoy pictures from the weekend..

The Caribbean.. with my Louisville red geeky glasses.

Yummy doritos with cheese....

Philip and Me. His hair braids and all...

Nearby beautiful sailboat

Ky and Me on the Boat

Breakfast...

Special extra picture below... my roommate Molly took this of us watching the Louisville Syracuse game, the first one, when Louisville lost. Notice Jason in the background (from New York) so excited..... To say I am looking forward to march madness... would be an understatement... so excited for the Cardinals!

As well, I am a work in progress learning patience with my kids and loving them well... I am learning more and more everyday. Being humbled by seven and eight year olds is a beautiful thing.... and it happens nearly every day. I read the below message here and thought it was a good reminder for the day. Happy Monday to you wherever you are....

Usually my love is all tangled up and totally conditional.

Rather than giving love FREELY and LAVISHLY, I hoard my love, my words, my compliments, my kind gestures. 

Help me love them without conditions.

Help me love him regardless of his attitude.

Help me love her no matter how she responds.

"use your freedom to serve each other in love." galatians 5:13

heres to using freedom to love others well.....

Central American Neighbors

Friday evening Stephanie and Arturo drove from Guatemala City to Pena Blanca (the town I live in) they made a stop in Kopan Ruins to break up their 9 hour journey. Long drive, but having my best friend here for the weekend was so great. Friday after school Thomas and I began preparing our family dinner. We were serving garlic roasted french fries for appetizer, a fruit and cabbage salad with homemade dressing, roasted green beans and chicken and rice with a pineapple-watermelon salsa. Our dessert was puppy chow. We had a lot of work to do. In anticipation of Stephanie and Arturo arriving to the D and D, I knew Jason would be coming over with them around 5:30/6 so I wanted to make sure most of the dinner was done.

They arrived bringing a real American imported pumpkin, rice krispie treats and one can of pumpkin. Pumpkin is next to impossible to find in this country, let alone pumpkins that you could carve. The pumpkin may have cost Stephanie $17.00 or so but I was so excited. By the way my roommates many of which have never carved a pumpkin before will be assisting with me!

Our evening was spent as per usual + two guests. We sat around our big wooden table, ate food, laughed, talked, and were super full. We then decided to play our charades, acting out, guessing game.  Big props goes to Arturo who played with us, can you imagine playing charades in Spanish with a bunch of people who's first language is Spanish (No way I would play).

Saturday morning we woke up to have breakfast at the D and D and drank coffee. Stephanie, Arturo and I drove through the town quickly in the morning. I took them by my school so they could have a tour.

At eleven we were meeting up for river tubing. It is hard to explain what this was like, because it is not your typical lazy river tour, nor is it rapids, it was a super fast river flow, lots of branches, sticks and curves and you on your tube, freezing cold water holding on in hopes that you do not flip out or ram into the side of the river. Molly, Faye, Stephanie and I were close together for the beginning of the adventure.... screaming, turned to laughing on the second. I am sure if someone was taking a video they would have a great laugh. The river opened up into the huge Lake Yojoa. The cold water of the river flows into the warm water of the lake and the next thing you know all of us are floating in open water... It was incredibly beautiful. We cliff jumped from the side of the lake off a 25 foot cliff or so. The journey up the cliff was harder than the jump. Faye, the boys and Me jumped. Arturo and Matt finished off with back flips. Pretty soon all of us were cold and we started paddling back up the river to then walk back to the D and D.

We decided that we should as well take Arturo and Stephanie to see Pulapansak waterfall. I drove Stephanie's Car (her windows are tinted so dark that you have to roll down the windows sometimes to get a better view) This was definitely something I can check off my list of things I have done in Central America, including checking off my dream of "playing chicken" while driving. Driving in central America is a constant game of chicken, who will move first, who will go first, who will swerve or pass first. Its like Mario kart but much busier. A bit terrifying but really fun. We arrived at the waterfall to just take pictures, walk around a bit. This was the place that I did the popular behind the waterfall tour the first week I got here. 

The rest of our evening was spent at the D and D playing trivia. The girls would tell you that I barely played because I was too distracted making smores and friends around the camp fire. But to be honest they were much better without me there! Our team was Stephanie, Faye, Molly, and Arturo. The boys had to be separated to a different group and they won! The final trivia question... If you sailed east from New York City which country would you come to first? (England, Spain, Iceland, Norway, Scotland, Ireland, Portugal). The correct answer was Portugal. They won a pitcher of beer. 

We left the D and D and ventured to the bar in town to go dancing. We stayed only an hour or so because we were really tired and Stephanie and Arturo had to leave early Sunday to drive home. 

I cannot say enough about how nice it was to have her and Arturo visiting for the weekend. So many moments passed that I had to wonder where it was that we were? It is the strangest thing to have my best friend here with me. Stephanie is a real teacher. (not like me, she has an official teaching degree) She has helped me with bestowing her wisdom in the classroom and I know her kids are lucky to have her as their teacher. She teaches at the American School in Guatemala City. She is currently in her third year at the school and 2nd year with her boyfriend, she has certainly made her home Guatemala. Her boyfriend was so nice and it was so good to finally meet him. I think all of my roommates enjoyed them as well. Faye and Molly asked if Arturo has any brothers for them :)

I was not so good at taking pictures.... But here is one below of us at the waterfall. I also wish I had pictures of the dinner on Friday. Hopefully I can get a few pictures from Thomas.

Me, Molly, Stephanie, and Kate

You can tell how big the fall is compared to the man in the picture. 

As for me it is Thursday (finally) It has rained all week long it seems and I am more than ready for the weekend. Rain makes kids go crazy. Thomas turns 24 tomorrow and we are hoping to go to San Pedro Sula to do some shopping. Happy Thursday yall.

Warmest Kristina