Showing up without permission

The cancer phone call was just as shocking as the cancer free phone call. I barely had time to process that I had cancer before they told me the cancer was gone.

The beautiful gift of cancer is it gives you perspective. Perspective to look back at what has been and a chance to look forward to what will be. What will my life be lived for? How do I want to embrace others? How will I live beyond this?

After my surgery I was asked to be the subject in a memoir. The person asking was a boy, a sophomore in high school who I had the privilege of being the nanny for when when he was ten years old. He brought me to tears by simply asking the question. I replied yes. What an honor I thought. Why me? Just days after he asked, he sent me his first draft. He provided a disclaimer "Enjoy". I smiled. Enjoy? How could I not? You are choosing to honor me by writing about me..... enjoy is the very least thing I could do.

His words..... his retelling of the time I spent one summer with him and his sister. His retelling of moments I do not remember, only brought on the flood gates..... humbled in my tears he concluded his paper with these words, "Kristina gave me the greatest gift anyone can get: SHE BELIEVED IN ME."

I do not share this with you to boast, but only to highlight something that walking through cancer has taught me. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to people is to simply show up and to believe in others.

This is what you have done for me. Your continued words, the meals, the hugs, the messages, the phone calls give me no other reason than to fight. They give me every reason to believe this has got to be something good. That God is moving and working in the lives of everyone always.

Monday, I celebrated my twenty seventh birthday. In the company of fifteen of my closest friends in Colorado, we shared a meal. One of my favorite things to do. Hosted at my best friend from colleges house, my roommate and her boyfriend (self taught gourmet chefs) prepared a delicious Michelin star worthy meal. A roast placed on a bed of polenta, roasted butternut squash, fresh bread and bacon potato soup. The meal was contributed to by a dear friend (former roommate) Katie and appetizers provided by my cousin, his wife and Sidney my current roommate. The meal labored in love was a meal I will forever remember. We stood in a circle, Jameson prayed as tears fell down my cheeks. He offered, Thanksgiving for the people in the room, for the meal set before us and for the cancer free me. Following our prayer a toast was given in my honor. "Kristina you have had the grace of Audrey Hepburn and the strength of Athena. I have watched you come out of this with even more grace and beauty than before."

From the depth of my heart, I say thank you. For all of you walking in this with me. For giving me the boost to walk into the doctor every week with a smile on my face. To do what I never imagined being able to do. But, for more than anything being vulnerable and honest. For drawing close to my story when it would have been much easier to walk away. For sharing your time, your energy and your truth.

Just last weekend Kylie, my dear friend who I lived with in Honduras flew in from Austin. Without so much as a question she booked a flight. Just to be here with me. With no expectation to see Colorado, but to just sit at my side. Help me get dressed. Comb and blow dry my hair.

Sometimes people just need you to show up. Thank you Kylie for doing that. For knowing what I needed even when I wasn't sure what I needed myself.

My sister as well joined in for the weekend, so we could delight in her growing baby bump, the future of her family and all that has happened in the past few weeks. It was a really great weekend.

My hope for each of you reading is that you continue to do what you have done for me, for others. May you have the courage to draw close to others when they need it most.

Cancer doesn't have to happen for you to do that. Being alive demands that we do that.

This morning I am sitting in a hotel in Vail, Colorado looking out at the snow covered mountains. My mom drove me up here for a change of scenery. Some fresh mountain air. I hope to get in some reading and some rest. I continue to focus on healing.

I have an important update. My follow up appointment regarding my tumor has been moved to Wednesday, November 26. The day before Thanksgiving. Regardless of the outcome, regardless of chemo or no chemo. I will continue to choose Thanksgiving for all that has happened.

Have a really wonderful Friday everyone.

Kylie pushing me at the mall.

My sister and me.

Candice and TJ preparing birthday dinner. Thank you Erin for the party hats.

Erin and I at my birthday dinner.

Homemade chocolate cake prepared especially for me by Meghan Beans.

I sent cupcakes to my office on my birthday. A small role I play in the office is coordinating birthday cakes for office celebrations. In lieu of my absence and to express my gratitude for all that they have done while I am away recovering I wanted them to celebrate my birthday for me. This was the picture they took. Thank you Baceline!

Driving up to Vail yesterday.

Mom and I eating lunch at the base of the mountain, before we retreated to our hotel room. 

Medical Update. Cancer Healing

Yesterday was two weeks out...

I am awake early this morning (in my house) mostly because sleeping is difficult. At this time in my recovery, I am working weekly with the plastic surgeon through expansion. At the time of my surgery once all breast tissue was removed, my plastic surgeon placed two "space holders" (expanders) in my breasts. These space holders will remain for 3-4 months/ potentially longer should chemotherapy be deemed necessary. Every Tuesday I go in, and he via needle inserts more saline into the expander. This process is used to expand my skin and muscle to later prepare for an implant. I had been told this process would be the most painful and turns out it is. 

I have tried to describe what it feels like but have had trouble finding the words. Some days it is as though someone took saran wrap and wrapped you up in it tight and is pulling from behind you. Other days as my doctor says, "it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest". Either way it hurts and I don't like it.

For the most part, this process continues to go well. My doctor continues to compliment me on my progress, how well my skin looks and how well I am healing. I attribute this to the 80/20 vegan diet and drinking tons of water. The alkaline rich vegetables and eliminating all hormone induced dairy/meats insures my body is getting nutrient dense foods to heal.  Many friends have complimented my skin and how good it looks...... my first reaction is to say it is the food I have been eating..... but then i remember I have only showered about three times in two weeks and put on makeup once. (surely that helps the pores a little bit). :)

Overall, things are progressing above schedule. My original four drains have now all been removed. (quicker than the predicted 3-4 weeks they advised). The fluid that my body was riding off will now be absorbed naturally, so drinking lots of water is a must to keep this happening.  Hooray for no more drains, tubes, or feeling like an octopus!!!

The only downside to the expansion process occurs when I am in the doctors office. Last Tuesday, I made sure to close my eyes as he placed the needle on my chest and inserted saline. It is an uncomfortable feeling but nothing I cannot bare. Moments after they were finished with the "fill up" I began to feel light headed. I spoke up to my doctor and they quickly got me on a monitor. My blood pressure had dropped and I was certain I was to faint. I took many deep breaths closed my eyes as my mom held my left hand and my doctor came around and held my right. Fortunately, after staying in the doctors office for an hour or so, some sprite and graham crackers I was feeling much better. 

As for this Tuesday, the story was not much different. I went in at 9 am for my expansion and immediately following I had a follow up appointment at the hospital with my breast surgeon, Dr. Moore. I arrived at the hospital and was brought back to see her. As we discussed my healing and how often I will be seeing her moving forward the room began to spin. I apologized for interrupting and said I am sorry I am afraid I may faint. She quickly had me lay back. 

I am not sure if I need to be eating more before these visits (my breakfasts these days are typically small) or if it is just the pressure from the saline fill, but for whatever reason my body is not handling this process well.

For the days in between appointments I am focusing on healing, resting, watching Scandal and reading. My tumor as previously mentioned has been sent off for the Oncotype DX Test. This test result determines the following:

• To help doctors figure out a woman’s risk of early-stage, estrogen-receptor-positive breast cancer coming back (recurrence), as well as how likely she is to benefit from chemotherapy after breast cancer surgery.
• To help doctors figure out a woman’s risk of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) coming back (recurrence) and/or the risk of a new invasive cancer developing in the same breast,

I have a follow up appointment scheduled for December 4. I am hoping this result is something I can find out over the phone but at this time am not sure.

In regarding the fertility preservation I have received all of my fertility medicines in advance. I got a giant package that includes all shots and medicines necessary to begin the egg harvesting process. I am holding on to them at this time. Until I know for certain I will undergo chemotherapy, I keep these refrigerated for hopefully to put in the trash can :) (meaning I do not need chemo, therefore no fertility medicine).

I apologise for my delayed writing, I do want to share about how I spent my birthday and my weekend with my sister and dear friend from Austin, Kylie who came to visit. I will be doing this hopefully later today. As well as an update on how I am. This post I call a business post, an update on the medical side. As many of you know the medical side does not necessarily correlate with my emotional side.

I am heading to my first physical therapy appointment this morning and from there, my mom and I are are driving to Vail. What better place to recover and look at the mountains than in Vail.  Just for one night but we are looking forward to it.

Thank you again for following. If any of you have specific questions regarding my healing, procedure sand my doctors please feel free to send me an email. I would be more than happy to answer those if I can... kmschermer@gmail.com

Have a great Thursday everyone.

Here are some photos I have not yet shared.... throw back thursday if you will.

Meagan and I the morning after my surgery.

My marking indicating breast cancer side, the morning before my surgery.

Me the night after I was released from surgery.

A letter to myself on my Birthday

To My 27th Self on your Birthday,

Today you rest your head more than you wish you had to. You have two tubes coming out of the sides of your body, bottles of medicine and a cup of coffee in your hand. I know full well how difficult this is for you but trust me that it is just a day, just a moment and it too shall pass. Perhaps a quiet simple birthday is just what the doctor ordered (pun intended). I decided for your birthday I would write you a letter. An ode to the year ahead and my hopes for you. Today on your birthday may you trust more than ever, that the days to come will bring more joy, more peace, more tears but above all more goodness, God's goodness in your life. 

May this year you grant yourself grace. Grace to fall to your knees, in tears over what is to come. May you allow the tears to fall in the most unlikely of places, in front of the most unlikely of people. Will you let others wipe the tears. Will you grieve. Allow yourself to grieve.

Will you move towards others, inviting others to this story. Know that you cannot do this alone. Know that this is not how God intended our lives to be lived...... alone. You are in this with others, so allow others in. 

Will you dare great things, will you follow your heart to the deep ends of the earth. Go on adventures, plan a trip and have adventures in the spaces that you occupy. Adventure doesn't have to mean a passport stamp but challenging yourself beyond your limits. This year do just that. Dare greatly.

With the same intention you seek great things, will you protect your heart? You are created to be something great, crafted and designed with unique intention. Trust that intention, trust your heart. Care for your heart because it is all you have, you only get one. Boundaries are ok and you have permission to create some.

Will you slow down. Slow down to look strangers in the eyes. But more than that, slow down for yourself. So much life passes in your rushing. One of your favorite quotes says, "I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing." Look at what you do this year and the intention behind it. Delight in the things you want to do, not those things you think you must do. 

Be patient, there will be days you wish that weren't there, days you wish you didn't have to walk through. But trust. Trust that the walking through the hard is still moving to something good. 

Love yourself especially your body. Your body is going to change. It looks different today and it will look different tomorrow. Honor your body for being strong, for battling disease and for fighting back. Allow your body to heal, to change and to be what it is, the living and breathing life that means you are still here. Rest in that. And if it shall come that you lose your hair believe youre still beautiful even if it is the hardest thing to do. Believe it to be true...... 

Above all of these things I hope this year you move towards Jesus. Know that he wrote this story long before you were born and trust he is still writing..... I hope this year you go to him for answers, in your anger, in your joy, in your fear and in your heartache.... 

"Gods purposes in present grief may not be fully known in a week, in a year or even in this lifetime." Wayne Gordem

This year may you know friendship, community and the grace that is granted even in the midst of hard. This year will be hard, but never forget that it will be good. It is destined to be good. Because God is always good. "He is showing you what love really looks like and he is building a depth of beauty into your story that life without suffering you would never have known." Kara Tippetts

Seek joy this year and love all that is the next year..... even the very hard that is breaking your heart in this moment. And smile lots, everyone loves a good smile and you have a good one, even when you have cancer, your smile is contagious.

Love,
The you that is writing at this very moment

My Weeping in the Midst of Recovery and Fertility News

I often find myself in tears without explanation. Last evening Rachel came downstairs, I was sitting alone. She asked if I needed something. I lowered my head as my tears fell from my eyes. I began to cry just as I am writing this at this very moment. I curled in tight and she came in close. I cried harder.

My tears, my weeping, are the outcry of my heart. I explained to Rachel how much I hate this. That this hurts. I look in the mirror and the physical self is no longer someone I recognize. I look down to my feet and my drains dangle, evidence of surgery. I am unable to dress alone and have to ask for someone to help me put on my shirt. My arms are limited.

My body recovering remarkably well, is only a shell of what is inside..... a broken heart, of a girl that was once fearless. That lived boldly. That couldn't wait for the next plane to catch to explore more of this world. That stood on chairs to sing songs about the alphabet and the days of the week in a second grade classroom in Honduras. That tried and tried again surfing in Nicaragua until I decided a pina colada was a better alternative than being tossed by the waves. Just five weeks ago I rode my bike for nearly thirty miles and laughed in the sun as the joy that was that day.........

I never knew brokenness until this diagnosis. I never knew hurt. I also never truly knew joy either.

For some of you just finding your way to my story, may not know that when I started high school, when someone asked me where I wanted to go to school I said Colorado. I was confident, stubborn and dreamed of mountains, skiing on weekends and meeting a mountain man. I was what probably most high school girls are, always planning and dreaming. By high school graduation I graduated with honors, was chosen as the high school graduation speaker and in August my parents loaded my car and brought me to Colorado for college. My plans were falling in line. By the time I graduated from college I had lived in Amsterdam, traveled to European towns alone on the weekends, skied the Rockies and made Denver home. I quickly learned my wandering heart and the Lord was not done with me yet. (Turns out he never is). Summer of 2012 I decided to quit my good job and head to Central America. My heart longed to make a difference, for adventure and to go against the grain, so I did just that. The year abroad originally documented through this blog brought me great joy and again God continued to mold me.

Just months ago, I selfishly told myself that I did well. I got my adventure out of me. I lived abroad. I traveled alone. I quit a job. I got a new job and that now it was my time. Time to settle in. To dive head into a career. To grow up, so to speak. I spent the last year in counseling. Addressing a part of who I was that I had been ashamed to deal with. October 9, 2014 marked one year of hard work in counseling. Hard self work for one year........ So yes, selfishly I felt like it was my turn. My turn for something good. That I made sacrifices and now things were to be looking up. I was going to be an aunt this year and perhaps maybe I would even meet someone........ but then the dreaded C word came out of left field. CANCER. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Today I find myself in tears for what has passed, for what is to come and tears of my ignorance.

But perhaps what the real story in all of this, is the story of Grace. Of God's unending grace in the midst of life's hard. How all along God knew that this was going to be my story. That all along he has tried and tried to tell me that he has good plans, even great plans for me, but that if I stopped trying so da* hard that maybe I could see it all take place.

A friend of mine gave me the book called, The Hardest Peace. In this book it tells the real story of a mom of four, diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, at the age of 36. I would tell any and all of you to read of her story. It is truly remarkable. In this she references, Nancy Guthrie in this quote;

"But I believe Gods plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the path he has set before me, I want to run toward it. I dont want to try to change Gods mind- his thoughts are perfect. I want to think his thoughts. I dont want to change God's timing- his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I want to embrace his plan and see how he is glorified through it. I want to submit."

I want to submit so that I can learn. That I can learn to not live in fear that this cancer will return. For hoping that one day I may look in the mirror and see me, the bold, confident me that is and has always been there. For the children I hope to one day I get to carry. For the children I will never get to breast feed. For that if someday I do find myself with this diagnosis again that I may find more joy in it.  Although I find difficulty walking into a church and even praying, God has a special way of meeting me right where I am today.

Just moments ago my phone rang and my application to the LiveStrong organization has been approved. Through this application I have been given a large monetary discount for fertility preservation. All fertility medication is paid for to move forward with egg harvesting.

My cancer tumor has been sent off for an additional testing and on December 4 I follow up with my oncologist to find out my full treatment plan moving forward. The cancer has been removed but depending on the results of this test, I will know if chemotherapy would benefit me. (testing on my chances of recurrence and aggressiveness of the cancer). If I am recommended chemotherapy and were to move forward with treatments, I have an 80% chance of becoming sterile. (hence the meeting weeks ago with the fertility doctor). Chemotherapy most often sends women into early menopause, so if I want to one day carry my own children the recommendation is to harvest eggs prior to chemotherapy treatments.

I am still continuing to pray and process through this decision and I appreciate your consideration as this is a very sensitive topic. As well chemotherapy may not be recommended for me at all and therefore this discussion may never have to take place again. :)

I am sorry for my delayed writings. I had a great follow up with my plastic surgeon on Tuesday, including my first fill up of saline. (yes it is just as it sounds). Unfortunately this process has been more painful than my recovery from surgery.

My old roommate from Honduras flies in tonight Kylie and my sister tomorrow so you can imagine my excitement to lay around and watch movies with both of them.

I sincerely hope wherever you are in your day and regardless of your beliefs that you know I am beyond grateful that each of you are out there, cheering, lifting, jumping and celebrating life with me. It is indeed a gift and something that even in the midst of hard can be great joy.

Prior to removal of two drains and saline fill up.

Saline injections....

Empty drains. Thought this is better to look at them when they are filled up.

Me prior to heading to Hobby Lobby with Rachel and my mom while they wheeled me in the wheelchair.

I was freezing (9 degrees in Denver). Not the best photo but ah well.

The good news that is is hard to celebrate

At 7:48 am this morning my phone alerted me with a voicemail from my breast surgeon Dr. Moore... my pathology report had come back. She started the message with "I have great news!". I quickly turned my phone on speaker so my mom could listen along......

My seven lymph nodes were confirmed negative for cancer.  My doctor confirmed that my choice to do "skin sparing" (removing of my nipples) was a good choice because the cancer had moved into my left nipple so it would have had to be removed anyway. (This helped explain the pain I was feeling around this area). Additionally my clear margins confirmed no radiation.  All good news.

We finished listening to the voicemail and my mom and I looked at each other.  I barely took a smile. My mom overjoyed looked at my somber face. Taking a deep breath, I said "that's good news". My mom not convinced of my reaction, asked me what is wrong. I tried to not cry.

I went on to explain as best I could..... It is not that I am not happy...... I am. It is just that phone calls like this are still hard to process. Good news, bad news it's still news about cancer. Me. That I have breast cancer. (or did). I should say.

So while I attempt to recover and process this emotional journey, forgive me for not jumping up in down at good news. I just can't do it. At least today I can't.

But know that you have my full permission to do so for me.....

Your prayers, your thoughts are felt and so appreciated.

I am curled up on the couch, bandaged laying next to my mom and Rachel. Goodnight everyone.

***I will update later on my follow up appointment that took place today at the Plastic Surgeon. As well as my moms spin around Nordstrom in a wheelchair for a change of scenery.

A different kind of Fall

**** I started this blog last evening

Fall has always been my very favorite time of year. Being a girl who adores football and the changing of the seasons, crunchy leaves I have always thought are the best. Watching this fall from the inside of a house takes on a whole new view. Fall also means the coming of my birthday. I always felt that my birthday (November 17) was perfect timing. Typically, should the calendar fall appropriately, Thanksgiving comes the following week after my birthday and then we dive into all things Christmas.

However this season is so different...... At this moment my legs are propped up on my moms lap. I can see her fighting tears in her eyes, only because she can see the tears streaming mine. We sit without much to do, not saying much at all. Waiting on healing. Frozen in time. Sleeping terribly at night. Typically around 2 or 3 I start to shuffle in my sleep and before I even call her name my mom is at my side to help me to the bathroom. Our night ritual typically involves the bathroom, me taking some pain medication, my mom kissing me on the forehead and asking how I feel. I nod my head and attempt to lay down so I am sitting up properly. Sleeping on my side is not an option, fortunately soon after I am able to fall asleep upright..... It is as though I have become a child again. 

I often wonder what she and my dad are thinking.... probably not far from what I am thinking. How did we get here? What happened? In so many ways my surgery seems as though it happened ages ago but then I look down and remember I cannot feel anything in my chest, it is numb. If I feel closely I can feel the plastic tubing (drain) weaved throughout my chest. My range of motion is limited to about 90 degrees and the deeper I breath the more pressure it puts on my chest. Yawns are the worst. All of these things remind me that surgery was less than a week ago.

**** This I wrote this morning

For the past few mornings I am woken up with coffee either from my mom, dad, best friend Rachel (we are staying at her house) or Erin who has been staying here. My mom assists in emptying my drains first thing, to measure the fluid. Yesterday I washed my hair for the first time. In the sink of course. Never knew how wet hair could feel so good. A temporary sort of clean, that for few moments makes me feel like I am a girl again.

Tonight I am sitting next to my mom as she reads through the countless cards I have received. We find great comfort in re-reading them, knowing that others are in this with me. Rachel and Erin are working on their laptops in between responding to my requests. (water, kombucha, chap stick....). I appreciate patience as visitors slowly make their way to see me. As you could have guessed I am not very good at resting and realized this morning I have not taken a nap yet. My body this morning I believe was asking for it.  My stomach was unsettled. I found myself sitting on the floor in the bathroom leaning over a small bucket unsure what were tears or saliva before I was going to get sick. Afraid of getting sick I began to pray...... someone recently shared with me that perhaps praying doesn't look as conventional as we think it should. Between tears and pleas with my heart aches...... I remember that this journey is just beginning. Praying for peace, for rest and to know that the greatest author is still writing the greatest story for me in my future.....

So each time I try to pick something up, or walk up and down the stairs I am trying to slow down and to be still. Allow my body to heal.....

I read this today and I really like it....

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in the need of grace. Honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the trust that we are saved sinners. There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are." Brennan Manning.

I am certainly not pretending, I am just still coming to terms that I have breast cancer and four days ago I had a double mastectomy. Taking deep breaths..... (just not too deep, it hurts).

Crossift Coaches come bearing gifts.

Brokenhearted Smile

It was sunny and nearly 70 degrees today. I woke up after a not very good nights sleep. It seems something is always pinching me, or hurting. The sunshine through the windows made me want to go run outside but I was quickly reminded that I am restricted by eight different cords that are pinned to my clothes and around my neck. I stood on Rachel's back porch and looked to the sky with my eyes closed and took a deep breath....... How quickly my reality has changed.

Last evening before going to bed my positive outlook came crashing down as I leaned into my moms shoulders and cried. Frustrated with the drains hanging down and the pain in my chest. The thing is....no matter how well I am doing physically, I am still heartbroken.  My chest doesn't look the same. I can't go to the bathroom without assistance. My stomach aches. Nothing tastes good and deep down I wonder how I am to keep doing this. I may be cancer free but I am still not myself. I will never be the same.  The harder I cry, the more pressure that is put on my chest expanders and the more I hurt.

Throughout the night my mom would wake me up every three- four hours to empty my drains, measuring and recording the amount of fluid I am leaking off my chest. (my apologies if this is too much information). The less fluid the sooner the drains will get to come out.

I was given one large pain numbing ball that today diminished to nothing. I was told by the doctor that when this was finished (by Saturday) I could remove it myself. So just an hour ago I did just that. I slid the small cords out from underneath my skin so we could throw them away. I am now down to four large drains, that now stay in my fanny packet.

At this moment, Rachel and my mom are cooking dinner. Jameson and my dad are watching football downstairs and I am listening to one song on repeat hoping to remind myself that I am not alone. Because right now this is how I feel. (not because they are not here). It's more that I can't help. I feel helpless. Nobody else has drains, has incisions, has risk of infections or a long road ahead to healing......

Cancer is one of the loneliest things, it invades your body and nobody elses. You couldn't share the pain if you wanted. So my smile as seen in many pictures is a smile hiding a broken heart, healing wounds and preparing for the many days that lie ahead. Fake it till you make it I think.....

Your continued prayers as I walk this road. My parents took me for a short walk outside to get some Vitamin D which was a nice change...... although bittersweet, I have never been pushed in a wheel chair before.